just

have you ever felt that everything you do is out of control? that no matter how right you try to make things, it just won't work? that your heart is gone?

right now. i feel all of them. plus the feeling that there is something missing more then just my heart. my happiness has been pretty much no-existant for the last few days. i've rarely smiled. but i should be happy right? i mean 14 years and a sister finds me. i have the most beautiful girlfriend an idiot, foolish man like me could ever ask for... so why can't i smile? why does it feel like i'm alone, forever alone.

i have a doobie sitting an staring at me. calling me to smoke it, but even as addicted to pot as i am, i don't want it. it seems that that "drug" is the only way to make me smile in the present moments of the last few days. so why won't i smoke it?

someone save me...

from myself.