have you ever felt that everything you do is out of control? that no matter how right you try to make things, it just won't work? that your heart is gone?
right now. i feel all of them. plus the feeling that there is something missing more then just my heart. my happiness has been pretty much no-existant for the last few days. i've rarely smiled. but i should be happy right? i mean 14 years and a sister finds me. i have the most beautiful girlfriend an idiot, foolish man like me could ever ask for... so why can't i smile? why does it feel like i'm alone, forever alone.
i have a doobie sitting an staring at me. calling me to smoke it, but even as addicted to pot as i am, i don't want it. it seems that that "drug" is the only way to make me smile in the present moments of the last few days. so why won't i smoke it?
someone save me...
from myself.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
another one bites the dust....
just wanted to say congrats to my big brother and his fiance, they had a beautiful baby girl, 7 pounds 10 onces. Cira Madison Chute... welcome to the fucked up world you'll call home.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
a new one.
"Amen"
a trusting hand,
too calm in the grasp.
as it pulls on me,
pulling me away.
and in between the cliff's rocks i see
i see everything i once believed.
hanging where i once was.
bleeding out what I've done.
a lie in the truth,
i can see it hurt.
but what am i to do,
the bloods been spilt.
and when i go to where i belong I'll see
I'll see everything that meant something to me.
hanging where i once was.
bleeding out what I've done.
can't i be complete?
can't everyone, just for once,
believe in me?
I've got no one on my side,
only my enemies.
waiting for the day i fail to see,
see everything i believed.
hanging where i once was.
bleeding out what I've done.
and heaven's gates open.
amen.
i can hear the angels sing.
amen.
I'm home again...
amen.
waiting for the day i see.
i see everything i believed.
replace the rest of me.
once again making me complete.
and all I've done...
forgiven...
amen.
Andrew c
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
two new things, one is weird.
the first:
"Crashing Down"
good bye to all i had,
i'm crying blood as i crash.
my veins feel my pain,
as another needle gets pushed deeper in.
now watch me break down,
watch as tears stream down my face.
good bye to all my happiness,
i thought that this time it would last.
i guess i was wrong,
but how long has this loss been giving in.
now watch me break down,
my senses have been long gone.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
no more words of comfort,
no more words of praise.
good by to everyone i loved,
this heart carries you no longer.
cause my mind has gone from me,
ran away when you left.
now watch me break down,
watch as tears stream down my face.
good bye to you and all your feelings,
i need them like a hole in the head.
but i never thought it could be this easy,
saying that you never loved me.
go ahead and use me then,
i'm free to distribute.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
no more words of comfort,
no more words of praise.
i'm sick of all your things,
of all the leavings you throw from the table.
i'm sick of all that you were,
and soon i'll be sick of all that you are.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
the second:
"Last Words"
treasured love of nothing's feeling
a numbness deep inside is comforting.
but trust lies and truth is forgotten,
when thunder sounds and lighting hits.
bow down, bow down.
in forever's hollow gaze
but fearful of nothing standing in my way
i walked a long road and now i'm home
but home was forgotten
restless spirit...
and if life rots away from my bones.
let the bugs feast on what skin is left,
cause i found home in eternal sleep.
breathe deep the smell of ocean air
as sunrise hits the sky
watch red flare through the blue
and remember of things lost.
home is paradise... lost
fires burn high
and laughter rings out with screams of pain
the pits of hell seem clear to me
no vision like this could be a dream
no dream like this could be real.
and as life rots away from me bones
let the bugs feast on what skin is left
cause i found home in eternal sleep
i found a place to rest
deep scars run across my back
hell's angel's strapped to my kneck
their bidding be done
my soul has been won
the devil beat my dice.
and as life rots away from my bones.
let the bugs feast on what skin is left.
cause i found home in eternal sleep.
i found a place to rest.
Andrew C. McCullough
"Crashing Down"
good bye to all i had,
i'm crying blood as i crash.
my veins feel my pain,
as another needle gets pushed deeper in.
now watch me break down,
watch as tears stream down my face.
good bye to all my happiness,
i thought that this time it would last.
i guess i was wrong,
but how long has this loss been giving in.
now watch me break down,
my senses have been long gone.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
no more words of comfort,
no more words of praise.
good by to everyone i loved,
this heart carries you no longer.
cause my mind has gone from me,
ran away when you left.
now watch me break down,
watch as tears stream down my face.
good bye to you and all your feelings,
i need them like a hole in the head.
but i never thought it could be this easy,
saying that you never loved me.
go ahead and use me then,
i'm free to distribute.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
no more words of comfort,
no more words of praise.
i'm sick of all your things,
of all the leavings you throw from the table.
i'm sick of all that you were,
and soon i'll be sick of all that you are.
treat this as a good bye,
cause thats all i have to say.
the second:
"Last Words"
treasured love of nothing's feeling
a numbness deep inside is comforting.
but trust lies and truth is forgotten,
when thunder sounds and lighting hits.
bow down, bow down.
in forever's hollow gaze
but fearful of nothing standing in my way
i walked a long road and now i'm home
but home was forgotten
restless spirit...
and if life rots away from my bones.
let the bugs feast on what skin is left,
cause i found home in eternal sleep.
breathe deep the smell of ocean air
as sunrise hits the sky
watch red flare through the blue
and remember of things lost.
home is paradise... lost
fires burn high
and laughter rings out with screams of pain
the pits of hell seem clear to me
no vision like this could be a dream
no dream like this could be real.
and as life rots away from me bones
let the bugs feast on what skin is left
cause i found home in eternal sleep
i found a place to rest
deep scars run across my back
hell's angel's strapped to my kneck
their bidding be done
my soul has been won
the devil beat my dice.
and as life rots away from my bones.
let the bugs feast on what skin is left.
cause i found home in eternal sleep.
i found a place to rest.
Andrew C. McCullough
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
my dream after moving to nanaimo...
Technical Info
Model Name: Standard Precision Bass� (Upgrade)
Model Number: 013-6100-(Color #)
Series: Standard Series
Colors:
(306) Black
(325) Chrome Red
(332)* Brown Sunburst
(375) Midnight Wine
(380) Arctic White
(387) Electron Blue
(Polyester Finish)
Body: Alder
Neck: Maple, Modern ?C? Shape,(Satin Polyurethane Finish)
Fingerboard: Rosewood, 9.5 in. Radius (241mm)
No. of Frets: 20 Medium Jumbo Frets
Pickups: 1 Standard Precision Bass Split Single-Coil Pickup (Mid)
Controls: Volume, Tone
Pickup Switching: None
Bridge: Standard Vintage Style
Machine Heads: Standard
Hardware: Chrome
Pickguard: 3-Ply White
Scale Length: 34 in. (864 mm)
Width at Nut: 1.625 in. (41.3 mm)
Unique Features: "New" Knurled Chrome P Bass Knobs
Strings: Fender Super Bass 7250ML, NPS, Gauges: (.045, .065, .080, .100)
Accessories: Standard Gig Bag
Case: None
COST:$424.95 - $607.12
Friday, June 22, 2007
watch this:
here we go. again. i'm falling.
taking everything i love down with me.
i'm just another being falling.
watch this:
as i catch up to my dreams in this fall.
here we go. again. i'm sleeping.
taking everything into account.
watch this one:
NO! i won't let go.
and NO! i'll scream if i want to.
so just GO! i'll meet you in hell.
Andrew C.
here we go. again. i'm falling.
taking everything i love down with me.
i'm just another being falling.
watch this:
as i catch up to my dreams in this fall.
here we go. again. i'm sleeping.
taking everything into account.
watch this one:
NO! i won't let go.
and NO! i'll scream if i want to.
so just GO! i'll meet you in hell.
Andrew C.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
"when you're gone" by the cranberries.
"When you're gone"
Hold onto love that is what i do now that i've found you.
And from above everything's stinking, they're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, Sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when i'm not around you.
But i'll miss you when you're gone, that is what i do, hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what i do. hey, baby...
Hold onto my hands, i feel i'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everythings stinking, stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
theres nothing simple, when i'm not around you.
but i'll miss you when you're gone, that is what i do. hey, baby!
and it's going to carry on, that is what i do. Hey, baby...
first song i ever heard by them, and now that i have someone that the song reminds me of, i love it that much more.
A.
p.s. i would put the video on to, but i'm apparently not blogged up enough to know how... lol
Hold onto love that is what i do now that i've found you.
And from above everything's stinking, they're not around you.
And in the night, I could be helpless
I could be lonely, Sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
There's nothing simple, when i'm not around you.
But i'll miss you when you're gone, that is what i do, hey, baby!
And it's going to carry on, that is what i do. hey, baby...
Hold onto my hands, i feel i'm sinking, sinking without you.
And to my mind, everythings stinking, stinking without you.
And in the night, I could be helpless,
I could be lonely, sleeping without you.
And in the day, everything's complex,
theres nothing simple, when i'm not around you.
but i'll miss you when you're gone, that is what i do. hey, baby!
and it's going to carry on, that is what i do. Hey, baby...
first song i ever heard by them, and now that i have someone that the song reminds me of, i love it that much more.
A.
p.s. i would put the video on to, but i'm apparently not blogged up enough to know how... lol
Monday, June 18, 2007
numb
ok so last post you got the lyrics for my favorite song by I Mother Earth, you also got the video for it thanks to steph. love you baby. well this is the poem that was inspired by the song. NOTE: the poem contains some of the lyrics from the song.
"Numb"
I close my eyes to my everyday
As the sun comes crashing down.
And all I wish I had was...
A home.
But when it's all undone,
Could I have been the one
To trust myself with a knife
As I cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
Here lies the former
Her life is spent
She cried her heart out onto her sleeve
And I took it in my hand,
Gave it a squeeze
As I cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
I close my eyes to my everyday
Just as the moon drifts away
And all I wish I had was...
A friend
But when I lose the days
In moments when i'm gone
To trust another with a knife
I come crashing down.
I'm compleltly numb.
Here lies the changed
Crumpled on the floor in pain
Tears run down his face.
Cause he has been replaced.
And they took him in their hands
Cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
And i'm so unwound.
I know in my own way i'm breakin' down
Without screaming out loud
I'm facing up... and reaching out
In the end i'll come around
So shut your mouth!
Cause ii can't stand or yell out
I'm completly numb
But as I stand on the future
A chasm in which I can dive.
All I wish I had was...
Understanding
But when it's all but too late.
And other live are now at stake.
I trust no other with my blade,
Cause i'm completly numb.
Andrew C.
Like i said, i love the song.
"Numb"
I close my eyes to my everyday
As the sun comes crashing down.
And all I wish I had was...
A home.
But when it's all undone,
Could I have been the one
To trust myself with a knife
As I cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
Here lies the former
Her life is spent
She cried her heart out onto her sleeve
And I took it in my hand,
Gave it a squeeze
As I cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
I close my eyes to my everyday
Just as the moon drifts away
And all I wish I had was...
A friend
But when I lose the days
In moments when i'm gone
To trust another with a knife
I come crashing down.
I'm compleltly numb.
Here lies the changed
Crumpled on the floor in pain
Tears run down his face.
Cause he has been replaced.
And they took him in their hands
Cut away another life.
I'm completly numb.
And i'm so unwound.
I know in my own way i'm breakin' down
Without screaming out loud
I'm facing up... and reaching out
In the end i'll come around
So shut your mouth!
Cause ii can't stand or yell out
I'm completly numb
But as I stand on the future
A chasm in which I can dive.
All I wish I had was...
Understanding
But when it's all but too late.
And other live are now at stake.
I trust no other with my blade,
Cause i'm completly numb.
Andrew C.
Like i said, i love the song.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
.... mhm... ok so i think i should update.... LIFE IS LIFE... thats about all i can think of. happy i got the WHOLE i mother earth discography. work is taking most of my life away so i got nothing really to say. i love you baby, as always, but i think i'll keep saying it.. mwahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaahhaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA stupid fucking caps. i'm obviously bored and ranting. should be working on my story, which btw is coming along nicely, want an update just ask.
now to finish this little what-cha-ma-call-it some lyrics from I mother Earth... and if possible... a video? awwwwwwwwwwwww.
A.
"No Coma"
In time I'll find why everyone out there
In the painted sun
Has already found their root...they've found home
And I'm tired of beating every drum
For old friends that never come
Went looking for them once...and found none
I'm so unwound
And I know in my own way
I'm breaking down without screaming out loud
I'm facing up and reaching out
In the end I'll come around so shut your mouth
Cuz I can't stand or yell out...
Tell everyone I'm numb
Here lies the former undisturbed
A bit high and a candle burns
It's goin all south...it's all gone
A red face that hides in nervous hands
Once a better friend than an enemy
Will I make another run...or am I done
Someday I'll line up everyone out there
In a late day sun
For one deep and final breath...
now to see if i can get a video... mwahhahahahahahaha
Edit: Apparently Not!?!
now to finish this little what-cha-ma-call-it some lyrics from I mother Earth... and if possible... a video? awwwwwwwwwwwww.
A.
"No Coma"
In time I'll find why everyone out there
In the painted sun
Has already found their root...they've found home
And I'm tired of beating every drum
For old friends that never come
Went looking for them once...and found none
I'm so unwound
And I know in my own way
I'm breaking down without screaming out loud
I'm facing up and reaching out
In the end I'll come around so shut your mouth
Cuz I can't stand or yell out...
Tell everyone I'm numb
Here lies the former undisturbed
A bit high and a candle burns
It's goin all south...it's all gone
A red face that hides in nervous hands
Once a better friend than an enemy
Will I make another run...or am I done
Someday I'll line up everyone out there
In a late day sun
For one deep and final breath...
now to see if i can get a video... mwahhahahahahahaha
Edit: Apparently Not!?!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Heart release me...
"End the Pain."
blankly staring as my eyes leak
chin quivering, teeth chattering
i try to speak.
but no words come out,
sour adjectives pile inside my mouth
making thoughts hard to see.
as you stand idly by
always laughing at me
eyes burning deep with vengence,
but i know not what i did.
so heres another apology,
please end the pain.
i'm sorry for all i've done to you.
i'll try not to feel again.
and if forgiveness is what you give,
please rain it on my head.
cause the pain is so harsh you see,
and i'm praying to be dead.
long legs carry me to my dark place,
fear written on my face.
i clawed my way to this great point,
to run away again.
with face hidden deep in a hood,
my tears rain down my face.
another long apology
for all i've ever done.
i wasn't what you wanted.
but cry no tears,
please have some joy.
your freedom is held in hand,
i'm sorry for your bother.
so to borrow words from and idol.
from one of his songs,
filled with sorrow.
"you don't need to bother;
i don't need to be
i'll keep slipping farther
but once i hold on,
i won't let go till it bleeds"
so another long apology.
i'm sorry for being me.
thers nothing left to hide,
no feelings left inside.
so again to borrow some more words.
"i'm out this bitch,
theres nothing left for me here."
and i'm gone away.
blankly staring as my eyes leak
chin quivering, teeth chattering
i try to speak.
but no words come out,
sour adjectives pile inside my mouth
making thoughts hard to see.
as you stand idly by
always laughing at me
eyes burning deep with vengence,
but i know not what i did.
so heres another apology,
please end the pain.
i'm sorry for all i've done to you.
i'll try not to feel again.
and if forgiveness is what you give,
please rain it on my head.
cause the pain is so harsh you see,
and i'm praying to be dead.
long legs carry me to my dark place,
fear written on my face.
i clawed my way to this great point,
to run away again.
with face hidden deep in a hood,
my tears rain down my face.
another long apology
for all i've ever done.
i wasn't what you wanted.
but cry no tears,
please have some joy.
your freedom is held in hand,
i'm sorry for your bother.
so to borrow words from and idol.
from one of his songs,
filled with sorrow.
"you don't need to bother;
i don't need to be
i'll keep slipping farther
but once i hold on,
i won't let go till it bleeds"
so another long apology.
i'm sorry for being me.
thers nothing left to hide,
no feelings left inside.
so again to borrow some more words.
"i'm out this bitch,
theres nothing left for me here."
and i'm gone away.
Monday, May 28, 2007
well it's 820 in the morning on a monday. i have work at 4 and i woke up at 630 or something like that, but it's ok... i don't mind. life seems to be going ok for me. work is bullshit, but then again, thats why it's called work. SEAN GOT A JOB WITH ME, i think that's so awesome. i swill populate joey's with my friends, MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHa. the story, which has upsates on here, which i have to do again, is coming along. although i'm finding it hard to write at the moment. i miss you baby. other then that, i can't really think of anything to post on here... so i'm outs.
wait heres some lyrics for ya:
"nothings left" by the Insane Clown Posse
man... i love you guys
man shut the fuck up man. why you always gotta ruin the moment?
man fuck you.
AIN'T NUTTHING HERE LEFT FOR ME, SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW
theres no story that aint been told
theres no gimmick that ain't been sold
theres no ocen that never been swam
thats no jobber that aint been slammed
theres no road that aint been traveled
theres no doctor that aint been baffled
aint no thug that never cried
aint no preacher that never lied
thats no rumor that aint been passed
aint no question no ones asked
theres no tree that won't get chopped
theres no bomb that won't get dropped
aint no pth that no ones laid
aint no bead that aint been afraid
theres no feat that no one can
theres no saga that never began
aint no snow that didn't melt
theres no punch that aint been felt
theres no skill that no ones learned
theres no planet that he ain't turned
theres no view that never dissolved
theres no problem that aint been solved
theres no tale that no ones told
theres no beauty that won't get old
theres no garden the sun ain't beamed on
theres no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
theres no colour that ain't been seen
purple red yellow blue forest green
theres no desert that ain't seen rain
nobody here that ain't felt pain
there no bigot that aint been clowned
theres no treasure that ain't found
ain't no cave they never explored
ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
theres no leader that ain't been lead
theres no blood that ain't been shed
theres no dish they never made
ain't no brick they never laid
everything left's been done before
nothings new, nowhere to explore
on the day when the wagon's come i just pray you let me on {7x}
won't you let me on, won't you let me on, won't you let me on.....
hey jake jeckel fly twist and spin to the other side {9x}
on the day when the waggon's come i just pray that you let me on
won't you let me on, won't you let me on...
(written by shaggy 2 dope and violent j)
wait heres some lyrics for ya:
"nothings left" by the Insane Clown Posse
man... i love you guys
man shut the fuck up man. why you always gotta ruin the moment?
man fuck you.
AIN'T NUTTHING HERE LEFT FOR ME, SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW
theres no story that aint been told
theres no gimmick that ain't been sold
theres no ocen that never been swam
thats no jobber that aint been slammed
theres no road that aint been traveled
theres no doctor that aint been baffled
aint no thug that never cried
aint no preacher that never lied
thats no rumor that aint been passed
aint no question no ones asked
theres no tree that won't get chopped
theres no bomb that won't get dropped
aint no pth that no ones laid
aint no bead that aint been afraid
theres no feat that no one can
theres no saga that never began
aint no snow that didn't melt
theres no punch that aint been felt
theres no skill that no ones learned
theres no planet that he ain't turned
theres no view that never dissolved
theres no problem that aint been solved
theres no tale that no ones told
theres no beauty that won't get old
theres no garden the sun ain't beamed on
theres no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
theres no colour that ain't been seen
purple red yellow blue forest green
theres no desert that ain't seen rain
nobody here that ain't felt pain
there no bigot that aint been clowned
theres no treasure that ain't found
ain't no cave they never explored
ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
theres no leader that ain't been lead
theres no blood that ain't been shed
theres no dish they never made
ain't no brick they never laid
everything left's been done before
nothings new, nowhere to explore
on the day when the wagon's come i just pray you let me on {7x}
won't you let me on, won't you let me on, won't you let me on.....
hey jake jeckel fly twist and spin to the other side {9x}
on the day when the waggon's come i just pray that you let me on
won't you let me on, won't you let me on...
(written by shaggy 2 dope and violent j)
Sunday, May 20, 2007
chapters 7-11
**7**
**The Third Pool**
The third and final pool of dispair came quicker then we thought it would, steppin out of the second pools chamber and into the third pools. destynie once again went straight to the runes carved in the wall, glowly as faintly as the runes we first saw in the door frame of the entrance to the ruins. Malinik and I went to the pool and looked inside. like the other two the water was once again a different colour. no souls swam in this pool though, as we looked in we saw they were chained to the bottom. millions of chains holding millions of souls in place, never letting them know freedom.
"this pool is for those that were lost and forgotten, loss of freedom chaining them to the floor of the pools, never letting them go" destynie read this, a small quiver in her voice betraying her feelings. she felt for these souls as i did, knowing full well what it was like to lose your freedom. Malinik continued to stare into the pool, a queer smile forming on his lips.
"why are you smiling at thier pain?" i asked him, growing angry as his smile widend on his face.
"you feel for thier pain" he said "i do not, they let thier dispair get the better of them... that is why they are in the pools and we are not. we have a higher purpose"
"how do you figure?" this time it was Destynie asking the question.
"To see, if you will, is to believe... we are here, not in the pools with them" his answer made his smile grow even wider.
"drop the smile..." anger growing to a breakin point inside me "or so help me i'll knock it off your face"
"you were chained weren't you Debraxi" those words coming out of his mouth through me off my guard. " i can see it in your eyes as you look into the pools, you were chained, beaten and no offense meant, to either of you, but my guess would be raped."
"enough!" Destynie yelled, her voice booming in the empty chamber. "we were, alright?, are you happy now?"
"no" he said "but you must not get angry at me, i never meant offense... these souls are like us. but unlike us, these poor souls fell into thier dispair, there is nothing we can do to make it better for them... the gods played thier game and they won. these souls are lost"
with a quick move of my right arm Malinik was down on the ground, holding his chin. "I told you i would knock it off your face" i said, turning and walking out the door..Destynie following quickly, Malinik, after picking himself up, brought up the rear.
**8**
**The Gates To Hell**
Another mile or so into the ruins we saw light, dimly, at the end of the corridor. picking up our pace we found the source of the light, and opening leading to the outside world again. slowly peeking around the openings corner for anything that might be standing waiting we crept outside. breathing the air hurt our lungs, after what seemed like days in the dark and dust. As i took a look at our surroundings i noticed a trail leading to the south, trees growing around it, thier branches making a canopy around the trail.
"looks like thats the only way out of here" i told the others as i headed over to the tree line "to the east looks like a cliff, maybe a river, to the north and west the woods we seem to have by passed by going into those ruins"
"so Hell leads the way for us, eh" Malinik said "so much for the choice..."
"the choice?" Destynie asked him
"Yea, it was told in my village that if you die you get the choice of where you belong, heaven or hell" he said
"what about your past expierences?" destynie asked him again "don't they have anything to do with it?"
"apparently so" Malinik said "but... if we are to choose to serve in this army hell seems to want us for, as Debrazi said, then what happens?"
"I don't know..."
"neither do i" malinik said, a giggle in his voice.
we walked on the trial, through the last portion of the Forgotten Woods. At the end of the trail was a great gate, demons adorned it from side to side. the colour like blood, like the gate was painted in it before being erected. as we approached the gate one of the demons adoring it's sides awoke and raised it's eyes to us. with a wicked smile it opened it's mouth as if to speak.
"Debraxssi.....Desstynie.... and Malinikss, Hell has played your roll, the dice have been cast against the walls of fate. You have vengful hearts. you have vengful deaths. Hell has a place for you...." it said, it's voice slurring and like a snakes hiss. "welcomesss... Home"
At this the gates opened and the fires of hell could be seem in the distance. screams from those that refuse to fight for the demon's king rang out loud and rattled the tree branches. ever so slowly i took the lead and walked through the gate, followed closely by destynie and malinik. as we stepped through our skin began to burn, i looked down at my hands and saw the flesh slowly burn away reavealing a layer of muscle and finally bone. looking back at destynie and malinik i saw that the same was happening to them. we collapsed into a heap of our own bones and the lights went out...
Awoken by a scream off in the distance, i opened my eyes and saw the through the darkness as if it were day. i sat up on the edge of the bed i was lying in, looked around and noticed that there was two other people lying in similar beds across the room. i tried to get up and walk to the door, but quickly fell, my legs not able to carry my weight. suddenly the door opened and in walk a demon, in his hands i could see a try of food. He walked into the room, looked around, saw the other two were still knocked out or sleeping then noticed me sitting up in my bed. he walked over to me and sat the tray down on the table next to where my head would be if i layed back down, pulled a chair out from under a desk a few feet away and sat down.
"good morning, Debraxi of the human alliances." he said "you have travelled a long way, and have brought us two more that we thought were lost to us"
`"wh.. whe... where am i?" i asked "where is Destynie and Malinik?"
"why they are right over there" he said, pointing to the other two bodies in the room.
"are they ok?" i asked him, still dazed and not fully aware.
"of course, hell takes care of thier own" he said with a laugh "now eat, your king awaits to greet you, you must be strong"
saying what he needed and doing as he was order he got up, returned the chair to it's original position and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
**9**
**The Dead Born Again, Body Born Anew**
i slowly ate the food the demon brought in, although it looked as if it had come from those that the screams belonged to. As i ate i thought about the walk through the Forgotten lands, the Ruins, finding Destynie and Malinik. all of it seemed a little too destined, like i was supposed to go through this. a movement in the corner of my eye broke my train of thought, i looked over and saw Malinik waking up, his body no longer bones but born again with white skin, adorned by tattooes all over. next to him Destynie was sitting up, how long she had been awake was unknown to me. Her skin too was born again in a dead white colour. the tattooes on her skin more like runes drawn by a patient hand all over her body. her eyes had a slight glow to them, like the runes we found carved into the ruins walls. I motioned them to come over, if they could, so we could talk a little before heading to see the king of the lands of Hell. but before they could manage to even say a word, once again the door swung open. two demons dressed in elegant armor marched in, followed by three others bearing clothing and armor.
"Destynie, you will wear these" the first of the two bearing our new clothing said as he handed Destynie her clothing.
"Malinik, you will wear these" the second said handing the clothing to him.
"Debraxi, You will wear this" the first said to me, he then turned and walked out of the room, returning with a set of armor.
"your places have been set, the king awaits" the second said and retreated out of the room followed by the first demon.
we changed from our death clothes into our new clothing. Destynie adorned in leather, barely covering her body. spikes and runes adorned her clothing, with it came a book.
"whats the book for?" i asked her
"i don't know" she said " if i'm reading these runes right, it's a spell book for Necro'trulic's... whatever those are"
Malinik walked out and looked us over. i looked at his armor, it seemd to be made of human flesh. scars could be seen torn into it, stitches tieing it together. clipped to his side and back were a bow and a quiver filled with arrows, the quiver itself looked as if it were made from the same material as his armor. held in the crook of his arm was his helmet, designed to strike fear into his opponents. the helmet, made from living tissue, remebled the demons that came in the room and gave us our clothing. strapped to his right side was a sword.
"and just what are you supposed to be?" i asked him, looking him up and down, for the first time letting my attraction show
"i don't know" he answered me "but maybe we should find out"
"i think you're right" i said and moved toward the door, but before i could reach the handle and turn it, once again it swung open, almost knocking me flat on my ass. in through the opening came a demon woman dressed in an elegant statin dress. the colour shone bright, blood red, almost blinding us through the darkness.
"you will follow me" she said and turned to leave out the door she has just walked through, we followed...
**10**
**The Demon King**
we walked behind the mysterious demon woman, through crowded corridors and chambers, finally coming to a stop before a great door.
"through this door is the demon king" she told us, turning to face us as she motioned for the doors to be opened "be careful what you say. you're places have been set"
with that said she bowed and walked away.
we walked through the doors and into a the biggest chamber we've seen in the castle so far. far ahead of us and dead in the middle of the room rose a great chair. skeleton bones seemingly crawling all over the chair itself, it's ocupant smiling cruely as we walked closer to it. once we had walked a fair distance our knees began to buckle underneath of our weight, we each in turn fell to one knee and bowed our heads down.
"these walls pay tribute to me" the demon sitting on the throne said "you have been played, tested, desserted and still you come forward, you're places have been set in this army of mine, the army of hell. I am Luferius, king of the seventh gate of hell and your new master. Destynie, come forward" she did as told without hesitation, "you have transformed yourself from huntress, misunderstood by your own people, letting your rage and hatred for this wrong doing feed your vengence, hell has made you a Necro-Trulic, you can raise any dead to fight your battles for you. that book you carry will teach you how, i suggest you read it. it can teach you more then i can, Malinik, step forward" as did Destynie, Malinik too stood and stepped forward, "diseased blood elf, hunted by your own kind, betrayer to your old king, you are now a Rang'tuk, the screams you hear adorn your skin in the form of your human flesh armor. your bow and sword make you quicker. you will be an asset to us here in hell. Debraxi, Step forward." i stood, looked about and stepped up beside my companions "You, of the three of you, you have had the most punishment for your crime against yourself, your family and your king. YOU alone torture yourself for what happen in your past life. in doing this you have Transformed yourself into one of the highest honored soldiers of Hell's High army. You are a Demon High Templar night. as far as i know the only one. you're armor, made from the scales of a hell dragon will protect you, your sword will feed on your victims souls, feeding them in turn into your heart. you will live with your pain for the rest of your life. although you travelled here together, this is where you part. Hell has a design for you, good bye for now"
as he said his good byes light came down, forming circles around us and we fell to the floor again.
**11**
**The Passing Of Years**
**The Third Pool**
The third and final pool of dispair came quicker then we thought it would, steppin out of the second pools chamber and into the third pools. destynie once again went straight to the runes carved in the wall, glowly as faintly as the runes we first saw in the door frame of the entrance to the ruins. Malinik and I went to the pool and looked inside. like the other two the water was once again a different colour. no souls swam in this pool though, as we looked in we saw they were chained to the bottom. millions of chains holding millions of souls in place, never letting them know freedom.
"this pool is for those that were lost and forgotten, loss of freedom chaining them to the floor of the pools, never letting them go" destynie read this, a small quiver in her voice betraying her feelings. she felt for these souls as i did, knowing full well what it was like to lose your freedom. Malinik continued to stare into the pool, a queer smile forming on his lips.
"why are you smiling at thier pain?" i asked him, growing angry as his smile widend on his face.
"you feel for thier pain" he said "i do not, they let thier dispair get the better of them... that is why they are in the pools and we are not. we have a higher purpose"
"how do you figure?" this time it was Destynie asking the question.
"To see, if you will, is to believe... we are here, not in the pools with them" his answer made his smile grow even wider.
"drop the smile..." anger growing to a breakin point inside me "or so help me i'll knock it off your face"
"you were chained weren't you Debraxi" those words coming out of his mouth through me off my guard. " i can see it in your eyes as you look into the pools, you were chained, beaten and no offense meant, to either of you, but my guess would be raped."
"enough!" Destynie yelled, her voice booming in the empty chamber. "we were, alright?, are you happy now?"
"no" he said "but you must not get angry at me, i never meant offense... these souls are like us. but unlike us, these poor souls fell into thier dispair, there is nothing we can do to make it better for them... the gods played thier game and they won. these souls are lost"
with a quick move of my right arm Malinik was down on the ground, holding his chin. "I told you i would knock it off your face" i said, turning and walking out the door..Destynie following quickly, Malinik, after picking himself up, brought up the rear.
**8**
**The Gates To Hell**
Another mile or so into the ruins we saw light, dimly, at the end of the corridor. picking up our pace we found the source of the light, and opening leading to the outside world again. slowly peeking around the openings corner for anything that might be standing waiting we crept outside. breathing the air hurt our lungs, after what seemed like days in the dark and dust. As i took a look at our surroundings i noticed a trail leading to the south, trees growing around it, thier branches making a canopy around the trail.
"looks like thats the only way out of here" i told the others as i headed over to the tree line "to the east looks like a cliff, maybe a river, to the north and west the woods we seem to have by passed by going into those ruins"
"so Hell leads the way for us, eh" Malinik said "so much for the choice..."
"the choice?" Destynie asked him
"Yea, it was told in my village that if you die you get the choice of where you belong, heaven or hell" he said
"what about your past expierences?" destynie asked him again "don't they have anything to do with it?"
"apparently so" Malinik said "but... if we are to choose to serve in this army hell seems to want us for, as Debrazi said, then what happens?"
"I don't know..."
"neither do i" malinik said, a giggle in his voice.
we walked on the trial, through the last portion of the Forgotten Woods. At the end of the trail was a great gate, demons adorned it from side to side. the colour like blood, like the gate was painted in it before being erected. as we approached the gate one of the demons adoring it's sides awoke and raised it's eyes to us. with a wicked smile it opened it's mouth as if to speak.
"Debraxssi.....Desstynie.... and Malinikss, Hell has played your roll, the dice have been cast against the walls of fate. You have vengful hearts. you have vengful deaths. Hell has a place for you...." it said, it's voice slurring and like a snakes hiss. "welcomesss... Home"
At this the gates opened and the fires of hell could be seem in the distance. screams from those that refuse to fight for the demon's king rang out loud and rattled the tree branches. ever so slowly i took the lead and walked through the gate, followed closely by destynie and malinik. as we stepped through our skin began to burn, i looked down at my hands and saw the flesh slowly burn away reavealing a layer of muscle and finally bone. looking back at destynie and malinik i saw that the same was happening to them. we collapsed into a heap of our own bones and the lights went out...
Awoken by a scream off in the distance, i opened my eyes and saw the through the darkness as if it were day. i sat up on the edge of the bed i was lying in, looked around and noticed that there was two other people lying in similar beds across the room. i tried to get up and walk to the door, but quickly fell, my legs not able to carry my weight. suddenly the door opened and in walk a demon, in his hands i could see a try of food. He walked into the room, looked around, saw the other two were still knocked out or sleeping then noticed me sitting up in my bed. he walked over to me and sat the tray down on the table next to where my head would be if i layed back down, pulled a chair out from under a desk a few feet away and sat down.
"good morning, Debraxi of the human alliances." he said "you have travelled a long way, and have brought us two more that we thought were lost to us"
`"wh.. whe... where am i?" i asked "where is Destynie and Malinik?"
"why they are right over there" he said, pointing to the other two bodies in the room.
"are they ok?" i asked him, still dazed and not fully aware.
"of course, hell takes care of thier own" he said with a laugh "now eat, your king awaits to greet you, you must be strong"
saying what he needed and doing as he was order he got up, returned the chair to it's original position and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
**9**
**The Dead Born Again, Body Born Anew**
i slowly ate the food the demon brought in, although it looked as if it had come from those that the screams belonged to. As i ate i thought about the walk through the Forgotten lands, the Ruins, finding Destynie and Malinik. all of it seemed a little too destined, like i was supposed to go through this. a movement in the corner of my eye broke my train of thought, i looked over and saw Malinik waking up, his body no longer bones but born again with white skin, adorned by tattooes all over. next to him Destynie was sitting up, how long she had been awake was unknown to me. Her skin too was born again in a dead white colour. the tattooes on her skin more like runes drawn by a patient hand all over her body. her eyes had a slight glow to them, like the runes we found carved into the ruins walls. I motioned them to come over, if they could, so we could talk a little before heading to see the king of the lands of Hell. but before they could manage to even say a word, once again the door swung open. two demons dressed in elegant armor marched in, followed by three others bearing clothing and armor.
"Destynie, you will wear these" the first of the two bearing our new clothing said as he handed Destynie her clothing.
"Malinik, you will wear these" the second said handing the clothing to him.
"Debraxi, You will wear this" the first said to me, he then turned and walked out of the room, returning with a set of armor.
"your places have been set, the king awaits" the second said and retreated out of the room followed by the first demon.
we changed from our death clothes into our new clothing. Destynie adorned in leather, barely covering her body. spikes and runes adorned her clothing, with it came a book.
"whats the book for?" i asked her
"i don't know" she said " if i'm reading these runes right, it's a spell book for Necro'trulic's... whatever those are"
Malinik walked out and looked us over. i looked at his armor, it seemd to be made of human flesh. scars could be seen torn into it, stitches tieing it together. clipped to his side and back were a bow and a quiver filled with arrows, the quiver itself looked as if it were made from the same material as his armor. held in the crook of his arm was his helmet, designed to strike fear into his opponents. the helmet, made from living tissue, remebled the demons that came in the room and gave us our clothing. strapped to his right side was a sword.
"and just what are you supposed to be?" i asked him, looking him up and down, for the first time letting my attraction show
"i don't know" he answered me "but maybe we should find out"
"i think you're right" i said and moved toward the door, but before i could reach the handle and turn it, once again it swung open, almost knocking me flat on my ass. in through the opening came a demon woman dressed in an elegant statin dress. the colour shone bright, blood red, almost blinding us through the darkness.
"you will follow me" she said and turned to leave out the door she has just walked through, we followed...
**10**
**The Demon King**
we walked behind the mysterious demon woman, through crowded corridors and chambers, finally coming to a stop before a great door.
"through this door is the demon king" she told us, turning to face us as she motioned for the doors to be opened "be careful what you say. you're places have been set"
with that said she bowed and walked away.
we walked through the doors and into a the biggest chamber we've seen in the castle so far. far ahead of us and dead in the middle of the room rose a great chair. skeleton bones seemingly crawling all over the chair itself, it's ocupant smiling cruely as we walked closer to it. once we had walked a fair distance our knees began to buckle underneath of our weight, we each in turn fell to one knee and bowed our heads down.
"these walls pay tribute to me" the demon sitting on the throne said "you have been played, tested, desserted and still you come forward, you're places have been set in this army of mine, the army of hell. I am Luferius, king of the seventh gate of hell and your new master. Destynie, come forward" she did as told without hesitation, "you have transformed yourself from huntress, misunderstood by your own people, letting your rage and hatred for this wrong doing feed your vengence, hell has made you a Necro-Trulic, you can raise any dead to fight your battles for you. that book you carry will teach you how, i suggest you read it. it can teach you more then i can, Malinik, step forward" as did Destynie, Malinik too stood and stepped forward, "diseased blood elf, hunted by your own kind, betrayer to your old king, you are now a Rang'tuk, the screams you hear adorn your skin in the form of your human flesh armor. your bow and sword make you quicker. you will be an asset to us here in hell. Debraxi, Step forward." i stood, looked about and stepped up beside my companions "You, of the three of you, you have had the most punishment for your crime against yourself, your family and your king. YOU alone torture yourself for what happen in your past life. in doing this you have Transformed yourself into one of the highest honored soldiers of Hell's High army. You are a Demon High Templar night. as far as i know the only one. you're armor, made from the scales of a hell dragon will protect you, your sword will feed on your victims souls, feeding them in turn into your heart. you will live with your pain for the rest of your life. although you travelled here together, this is where you part. Hell has a design for you, good bye for now"
as he said his good byes light came down, forming circles around us and we fell to the floor again.
**11**
**The Passing Of Years**
Saturday, May 19, 2007
the first 6 "chapters" of my story...
**introduction**
Storm clouds ravage the sky, pouring acid rain down on the ground below. in the distance a rumble can be heard coming closer by the second. the city walls stand firm, our archers ready and willing to fire at any moment. inside the walls the women and children are running for safety inside the caves hiding inside the rock face the castle was built on. our leader paces in front of us, paitently waiting to get a glimpse of his opponent, eager to satisfy his urges to kill and feed on his fallen foes. the rain falls in our faces making it hard to see a few feet in front of our faces.
"is everyone ready for battle, cause if you're not you're no use to me and might as well go and hide with the women and children now" our leader screams over a blot of lightening and the crash soon to follow after it. "I have no use for cowards and snivelling children in the armor of men. today is the day we test out mettle. do you have what it takes to kill a man before he kills you?" no one answers his questions. he knows we're ready for this. the training was hard and gruesome, almost to the point of death, but that was the point wasn't it... to make us feel dead so when we had to kill, it would be easy.
over the horizon the first flag of our enemy can be seen, swaying back and forth as the carrier stumbles on the hard rocks of the cliff they are climbing. this will be a slaughter. i look to my leader and see a cruel smile form just around the edges of his mouth, i can see his mind turning over the idea that he will have a full feast of angel blood and wings on his table tonight. he looks around at us, readying his sword in his hands. "tonight is the very night that you have been waiting for, tonight we rid this stupid world of those that call themselves "angels", those that would oppose us in the re-taking of the earth. Tonight my brethren in hell we will be welcomed in open arms. tonight we finish this."
the gates to the castle walls open and we flood out, no one stopping for a second to think of what would happen. arrows fly through the sky, catching fire only seconds before hitting thier targets. the battle has begun...
**1**
**the forest walk**
I wake, it's four in the morning, the sun hasn't risen yet but i can see the sky outside getting lighter by the minute. After a shower in the waterfall next to my home i walk inside and eat breakfast. looking at the sun coming out of the east i wonder if i will make it through to the city of demons this time without angel interference. i open my chest and take my armor out and slowly put it on. each piece fusing to my body as it is placed on my skin. my sword, sharp enough to cut through bone and angel steel, still in it's scabbard fuses to my side and i walk out the door. heading west i walk through the haunted wood toward the demon city.
the woods, haunted by those that chose not to join a side in the war between demon and angel, goes as far as the eye can see, ending just before the mountain of demonicus, home of the demon city. thieves and other random despites live in the woods, preying on those they think are weak. a demon knight is not thier likly target but everynow and then they get the courage to try and take one. attacking in groups to make it more to thier advantage, stealing anything they can to survive the harshness of living on a land not prepared for them. i walk a trail i always walk on, focusing my mind on the impending battle, when i hear a rustle in the branches above me.
"come out thieves, i can sense you moving around me." i demand "i do not have time to fool with you but if you insist on following me anymore i swear i'll take your souls with me to hell"
"hell, HA" the sounds of laughter ring out all around me " we are already in hell, demon knight, or did you not notice that"
"even you can die again my friends" i reply
"you speak tough enough demon, but you are out numbered, i know you can sense us and i know you know that we outnumber you ten to your one" the voice says above my head
"i have faced worse then that, show yourselves and i will show you the true wrath of a demon templar knight"
the leaves rustle and out steps ten men, clothed in shambles of cloth and leather, brandishing stick and home made axes. "you see, you are dead, knight, you may kill some of us and send us to the extiction plane but you will fall in the process"
"that is what you think" i say with a slight laugh escaping me. "you know nothing of my abilities and you will fall" steeling myself i pull my blade from it's scabbard, the blade itself glows red with hate and blood. i look around me, measuring my opponents. i fling my sword into the air and attack the leader, slitting his throat with my knife blade tucked neatly into my bracers, he falls gasping for breath. racing back i grab my sword before it hits the ground and thrust it into another of my attackers before he could react. two down eight more to go. i stand ready to defend myself, my attackers circling around me, looking for an opportuinty to attack. movement behind me takes my attention and i fling my blade into my new attackers forehead. pulling free in time to thrust it into anothers stomach. two more down.
"give up, i have killed four of you already, if you wish for your families to eat then i would quit and run now... but i can't promise that i will let you go, i am after all a demon and your souls feed my swords hatred"
"w...w...we should run, she's too much for us" one of them stammers. i can smell the foul smell of piss running down his leg. i let out a laugh so evil that he turns to run away. three steps into his run he falls dead, one of my blades sticking through his heart.
"i am Debraxi, high templar knight of the demons, only female in the army. YOUR souls will be mine" i scream, attacking the rest of them as violently as i can. i rip one of thier throats out with my bare hands, throwing whats left of it into anothers face, i impale him with my sword, ripping up, spilling his guts everywhere. the rest try to run, but do so without thier heads. blood stains my armor and swords blade, soaking in and feeding it with hatred. i look about at the damage done, re-sheath my sword and return to my walk. i'm late.
**2**
**Debraxi: The Drak'Thurin**
i was human once. Part of the human alliances army. a Drak'thurin, or dragon rider. i was a leader, answering only to the king of our lands himself. but i was betrayed. asked to force my family into the afterlife plain. i was brandished a murderer and unfit to lead an army. they tortured me to no end, reviving me when i died to do it all over again. my body scarred from whips and burning rods of metal. The king himself did most of my punishment, siting that it was unproper for a Drak'Thurin to kill those of thier own kind, especially thier family. i did it cause he asked... i did it with great patience.... i did it with regret. after what seemed like years in a dark tower surrouneded by those that i myself persecuted, they set me free. not in the way most would be, i was killed... raped then killed by those that were my friends. i can still remember thier sweat covered bodies as they thrust into me, one after the other. calling me names and smacking me... beating me until there was no breath left in my lungs. i passed into the afterlife plain, ready for my sweet, sweet revenge on those that did this to me... and i will get it.
Of all the pain that could befallen me, after all i did for the king of men, i was so easily cast aside and thrown from the loving, holding arms i was accoustomed to. My body was desicrated after i passed. scarred beyond recognition. my face beaten to a pulp. my breasts cut off and hung in the kinds bedchamber. my arms and legs were tore from my body and place at the four corner stones of the castle. i served as their messenger even in death. the king showed those that would betray him what would happen. i became thier martyr, serving one last purpose to the will of a derrange king of men.
as i passed over, i saw my life. my birth, teen years... my family. i saw my blade cut through my sons hair, splitting his skull in two. his eyes wide with shock and horror as he stared at me. my husband, running in from the field where he was helping the slave workers. i could see him look at me then our son... blood... pooling on the ground around his lifeless body. the look of sheer horror on his face as he looked at the blood on my sword. with one quick move i ended his suffering. one sharp stab in the chest. he was gone in seconds, passing over onto the afterlife plain. it wasn't long before the castle guards came and arrested me, knowing full well that i had done as order. told that my husband was helping the dark ones. my trial, short and sweet, my emprisonment and my rape... then finally my death.
But death isn't what one would think. i learned this the hard way, in passing into the afterlife plain there are many "lands" to go through before you find where you belong. these lands, placed by the gods of Heaven and Hell, are designed to test you. if you fall into vengful thinking you end up in hell, rightious deaths go to heaven. the first land in the series is as was described before, it is called "The lands of Limbo", where you see what you had done in the glorious life you lived. where the gods test if you can make it through the rest, placing bets on who goes where. it's a cruel game, but we all must play at one point in time. the second, as i find out, is "the Forgotten Lands"...
**3**
**The Forgotten Lands**
the "walk" i was on through the times in my life lead to the Lands of the Forgotten. Forsaken by all the dead that cross over to Heaven or Hell. the lands, covered in decaying trees and swamps full of bodies, spans many miles in the passing lands. as i passed into this new realm of the afterlife plain i found another, lying, crying on the ground. shaken by her death i walked over and asked her name. she said it was Destynie of the Hark'kurim tribe of humans. an outcast of her tribe she sought to become a Drak'thurin, but died in the trials. I introduced myself and told her to get up and be strong. She noticed the name and started to cry again.
"Debraxi, where are we?" She asked tears falling slowly down her cheeks, a quiver in her voice.
"The Forgotten Lands" I answered "a place for those murder or forgotten. we must be careful, these woods are crowded with vengful spirits, or so my father told me once." I try to sound brave, not knowing fully that we would be safe walking through these woods. "we need to go through them, it's another test from the gods."
"I.. I'm not stepping inside those damned decaying trees. i think i'm going to stay here... you're not going to leave me are you?" she was starting to cry again.
"stop that, you'll be fine, get up... let's go, you're coming with me"
we started down the hillside and into the forest. walking what i thought could be east. once inside the woods the sun seemed to dissappear, shadows seemed to move all around us. quivering behind me Destynie quietly sobbed as i led her deeper into the woods. about three miles into the forest we stopped. ahead of us was a clearing with what looked like decaying corpses walking around. i told destynie to wait here in the bushes and slowly crept forward to get a better look. what i saw was exactly as i thought, corpses, decaying slowly with time, walking around looking for something. i crept a little closer and pulled a rock out of the ground, throwing it far to the west of the clearing. the corpses looked up from the ground, hearing the sounds of my rock crashing throught the dead branches of the far tree bank. slowly they made thier way to where my rock laid to rest. i quickly crept back to destynie and told her it was time to move. watching the corpses as i lead her into the clearing and through it.
"those... were.. dead.. people weren't they" she asked me never looking away from them herself.
"forgotten by the gods. they lay here, restless, decaying through time, never finding thier true place" i told her, still creeping through the clearing.
"thats... horrid" she said, her voice cold as steel. "i feel i need to give you some information about myself... i wasn't always this scared you know..."
"i think you should wait until we're safely back into the woods" i interrupted her "our decaying friends don't seem interested in my rock anymore"
**4**
**Destynie: The Terrin'kul"
we made it to the other side of the clearing, hardly noticed by the wandering corpses. once at a safe distance from the clearing we sat down, i told destynie to contiue with whatever it was she was going to say.
"I was a Terrin'kul, a huntress for my tribe. daughter of the chieften, but and outcast. i had the unique ability to speak to the animals. my fellow tribesman didn't understand, so they drove me out. i ran... and i ran... finally getting lost. no animals in the forest outside your beloved castle would talk to me, show me the way. I... I.. lied to you before, or maybe the fates did, when i told you i was going to your caslte to become a Drak'thurin. i was looking for the king, to ask that he take me into his army. to show him a village that opposes him, but i was killed instead." she said, memories clearly hurting her inside. tears slowly flowing down her cheeks once again.
"you saw the king... and he betrayed you didn't he" i asked her.
"yes... and no... i saw his adivisors, never did i see the king himself. they took the information i had, then tossed me to the wolves. i thought i would be of use..." she stopped only pausing to let loose a shudder. "i was, i guess you could say. they sold me to the highest bidder, i lost my virginity to an eighty year old man and his "boy", they bought me to be thier whore." her tears stopped and her voice changed once again from the stutter, shell shocked tone i was so used to, now i could hear her anger, her hatred for what they had done to her. "so i stole away, found a bow, fashioned some arrows and waited. when they came out in the morning... they didn't see what was coming, i shot them, one at a time from a tree about three hundred yards from the house. they ran of course, but i am a huntress. i got my revenge that day... so why am i being cursed by coming here?"
"cause you died" i answered her as solmely as i could muster.
"i got killed... sold... betrayed... shouldn't death be a release?" she sat down on the ground beside me "i mean.. this isn't right, why are you here?"
i had hope this question would not come up. think of it as a standard, i'm not used to being questioned. " i was, myself was betrayed by the king of men. I was Drak'Thurin, a leader of an army. I was called to the kings chambers and asked to do a deed for him. this deed i did, with honor to my king, but betrayal to myself. I slew my family, thinking they were working with an unknown enemy. my son, my husband... i was then seized by the kings guard, tortured and killed many times, raped... then thrown into a river, soon to be forgotten. I too will have my revenge on the king of men."
A common bond among strangers, forged in vengful death. we set off towards the east again, heading deeper into the Forgotten woods. Destynie walking tall now, she found a sister in death and was ready to die again for her. I too felt the same.
**5**
**The Ruins Of The Forgotten**
we walked for what seemed like hours. the sun never able to break through the dead tree tops, as we walked i found the trees getting closer and closer together. Suddenly as we passed through the trees the sun shone bright apon our white, dead skin. Another clearing, we ducked down hoping we weren't seen by anyone that may have been standing in the grass. after a few minutes i peek my head up and took a quick look around. seeing nothing i stood up. motioned for destynie to do the same and took a better look at our surroundings.
The sun shone on tall green grass, shaped by the trees in a perfect circle. dead in the middle, where the sun seemed to be shining brighter was an old entrance to what seemed like an underground barracks for some dead army. carefully we walked toward the entrance.
"do you know what this is Debraxi?" destynie whispered into my ear
"no" i answered "but i intend to find out... the easy way or the hard way."
"what the hell is that supposed to mean" her whispers getting more excited
"shhhh, if there is anything in here i wanna surprise them, not them surprise us, so keep it down.... got it?"
"yes" she said hanging her head and whispering again.
the entrance was carved out of the face of the slight hill. like a hobits hole but built downwards, going deep into the ground. we could see what would have been door hinges, ripped off long ago by something big and strong enough to move a heavy door right out of a rock's face. runes adored the door frame, carved into the rock and pale, like some sort of magic spell was there but barely had enough power to sustain itself.
"it says 'enter at own risk, dark evil lurks inside'" destynie whispered. i could hear her breath cought in her throat.
"how do you know that?" i asked, not bothering to hold my surprise.
"i don't.... know" she said " i just can... theres more...'only those of venful hate can survive, enter if you dare'"
"the doors been gone for... longer then i can think of at the moment"
"do you think there is anyone still down there?" she asked " maybe using it for shelter from this dreaded sun"
"maybe..." i said "possible... we should check"
"if you insist"
we entered, slowly, creeping down the stairs, hugging the side walls. after we went down fifty stairs, the air got stale and the light was stolen away. i looked back toward the door, what once was ripped away was now replaced. the door was back, runes glowing giddily on the door itself, i turned destynie around and asked her to read what they said.
"you have come to the Ruins of the Forgotten, if vengful of heart and death, seek out the devil king of hades hand" she read aloud. "who do you think that is?"
"i don't know, but this name "ruins of the forgotten..."
"yes?" destynies questioned as i drifted off into memories, trying despratly to dig into my past life and remeber the name.
"my.. my father, he told me about the afterlife, claiming he met someone that was here and went back, someone at a bar somewhere... anyway, this is for those destined for Hell's high army" i told her as the memory flooded back into my mind. " We were murdered, betrayed, raped... we are both vengful of heart and death. we are destined to be in Hell's army Destynie"
"oh.."
**6**
**Pools of Despair**
We encountered little to no trouble in walking through what must have been the first half of the ruins. moving deeper into them, we walked for what seemed like hours, the only light coming from a torch we stole from a camp of dead elves. most likly victims not fit for the ruins. passing through empty chamber after empty chamber, some had skeltons of dead humans, orcs or elves lieing around, some barred in chains. as we walked, silently in case of any other explorers, we came to a chamber, fully cirular with a pool of blue green liquid. looking into it i saw tortured souls swimming deep in the water, wailing to no one in particular, but no sounds escaped the waters. destynie came to my side and looked in, seeing what i saw she retreated to the walls to read the ruins carved in the stone.
"the Pools of Despair" she read "Three in total if i'm getting this right, this is for the tortured souls. destined to swim in thier sorrows, thats a horrid way to spend your afterlife"
"it's sad.." i responded, not able to look away from the souls swimming and screaming thier pain, not knowing that no one looking in can hear them.
"we should move on... this place is scaring me... the wall says the other two pools are further in, about two hundred yards, i guess we need to see them as well before we get to the other side of these ruins"
i moved away, taking one last glance at the pool in front of me, then headed toward the door on the other side of the chamber. Destynie followed me and we headed toward the other two pools. again passing through empty chambers, we came to one where light and think voices could be heard. crouching and hugging the wall closest to the voices i crept forward and peeked into the room. three decaying corpses were trying to feed on a withering blood elf, he in turn was trying to fight them off. i returned to Destynie and told her about the situation.
"there are three corpses attacking a withering blood elf, he's trying to fight them off but without our help he'll expire again and go further into the forgotten lands." i said, my voice like steel "are you ready to fight?"
"i think so" she told me, looking around for a weapon. " i need a bow... wait... Thurum.. Tachim.. Creptim"
"what was that? i asked bewildered by the sudden change in her tempo and words.
" i don't know..." she trailed off as a sound came from behind us, like bones being pulled back together and reanimated. suddenly out of the darkness came three skeletons... three of the dead ones we just passed, brandishing swords and sheilds. they stopped just short of a foot from us and stood ready to fight. two of them offering me two swords and destynie one for herself. with this we were ready to fight. we rounded the corner and struck the corpses with all we had. Destynie pulled the blood elf to the safety while the skeletons attacked and killed the corpses with me.
After the battle was finished the skeletons again fell apart, thier bones shattering as the hit the ground in a pile of dust. we watched and looked around to see if any more dangers were lurking about, then walked to the withering blood elf.
"what is your name?" i asked him as we helped him to stand "and what are you doing in these ruins?"
"i.. i am Malinik Dreafix... Blood Elf warlord" he said struggling through the pain " and i.. i'm here.. trying to find my place in the afterl..life"
"well this is the ruins of the forgotten... it's apparently for those meant for Hell's high army" destynie said "if we are getting these runes right after all"
"can you stand on your own?" i asked "for that matter can you walk? you're of no use to us if you can't fight with us"
"cold debraxi, that was just cold" destynie said, a scolding tone in her voice.
"it's all right love, i have heard worse from humans" Malinik said "and to answer your questions.. debraxi, right? yes i can.. and give me a moment and a sword and i can fight with you, maybe save your life in the process"
"i doubt that" i said and started walking away
the three of us walked for an hour through narrow halls. Destynie reading the runes as we walked, hopefully pointing us in the right direction. soon we came to the second pool, destynie went over to the runes on the wall and read them out loud for Malinik and I could hear.
"The Pool of the weary, for those who suffered deaths by loved ones or ones own hand, destined to remain until thier pain be resolved" she read with confidence in her voice " i'm getting good at this"
i walked over to the pools edge and look inside, seeing souls swimming againg in a reddish purle ooze. as i looked in two souls swam closer to the surface and as they looked up and i looked in i recognized thier faces. i fell away from the edge, bawled up into the fetal position and began to weep, seeing what i had done to my son and husband crushing all that i had to steel myself. thier eyes, even though i could no longer see them, still burned holes through my chest. Destynie and Malinik ran, quickly, to my side, both concered with my well being. i pushed them away and got up. steel myself again and looked into the pool. as i stared again into the murky ooze, my family floated to the surface and stared through my chest. i looked at them and wept, i wept so they could see the pain i held inside my heart and soul for what i had done to them. i wept so they could see the pain i went through for so many years after finding out that i had been betrayed after my betrayal. still they stared holes through my chest, causeing my heart more pain than i thought it could bare. i grew cold and hated the fact that my dead family was judging me from thier pool of slime and ooze, so i threw my fists into the ooze, smashing the barrier between myself and my family, freeing my soul from the torment.
Storm clouds ravage the sky, pouring acid rain down on the ground below. in the distance a rumble can be heard coming closer by the second. the city walls stand firm, our archers ready and willing to fire at any moment. inside the walls the women and children are running for safety inside the caves hiding inside the rock face the castle was built on. our leader paces in front of us, paitently waiting to get a glimpse of his opponent, eager to satisfy his urges to kill and feed on his fallen foes. the rain falls in our faces making it hard to see a few feet in front of our faces.
"is everyone ready for battle, cause if you're not you're no use to me and might as well go and hide with the women and children now" our leader screams over a blot of lightening and the crash soon to follow after it. "I have no use for cowards and snivelling children in the armor of men. today is the day we test out mettle. do you have what it takes to kill a man before he kills you?" no one answers his questions. he knows we're ready for this. the training was hard and gruesome, almost to the point of death, but that was the point wasn't it... to make us feel dead so when we had to kill, it would be easy.
over the horizon the first flag of our enemy can be seen, swaying back and forth as the carrier stumbles on the hard rocks of the cliff they are climbing. this will be a slaughter. i look to my leader and see a cruel smile form just around the edges of his mouth, i can see his mind turning over the idea that he will have a full feast of angel blood and wings on his table tonight. he looks around at us, readying his sword in his hands. "tonight is the very night that you have been waiting for, tonight we rid this stupid world of those that call themselves "angels", those that would oppose us in the re-taking of the earth. Tonight my brethren in hell we will be welcomed in open arms. tonight we finish this."
the gates to the castle walls open and we flood out, no one stopping for a second to think of what would happen. arrows fly through the sky, catching fire only seconds before hitting thier targets. the battle has begun...
**1**
**the forest walk**
I wake, it's four in the morning, the sun hasn't risen yet but i can see the sky outside getting lighter by the minute. After a shower in the waterfall next to my home i walk inside and eat breakfast. looking at the sun coming out of the east i wonder if i will make it through to the city of demons this time without angel interference. i open my chest and take my armor out and slowly put it on. each piece fusing to my body as it is placed on my skin. my sword, sharp enough to cut through bone and angel steel, still in it's scabbard fuses to my side and i walk out the door. heading west i walk through the haunted wood toward the demon city.
the woods, haunted by those that chose not to join a side in the war between demon and angel, goes as far as the eye can see, ending just before the mountain of demonicus, home of the demon city. thieves and other random despites live in the woods, preying on those they think are weak. a demon knight is not thier likly target but everynow and then they get the courage to try and take one. attacking in groups to make it more to thier advantage, stealing anything they can to survive the harshness of living on a land not prepared for them. i walk a trail i always walk on, focusing my mind on the impending battle, when i hear a rustle in the branches above me.
"come out thieves, i can sense you moving around me." i demand "i do not have time to fool with you but if you insist on following me anymore i swear i'll take your souls with me to hell"
"hell, HA" the sounds of laughter ring out all around me " we are already in hell, demon knight, or did you not notice that"
"even you can die again my friends" i reply
"you speak tough enough demon, but you are out numbered, i know you can sense us and i know you know that we outnumber you ten to your one" the voice says above my head
"i have faced worse then that, show yourselves and i will show you the true wrath of a demon templar knight"
the leaves rustle and out steps ten men, clothed in shambles of cloth and leather, brandishing stick and home made axes. "you see, you are dead, knight, you may kill some of us and send us to the extiction plane but you will fall in the process"
"that is what you think" i say with a slight laugh escaping me. "you know nothing of my abilities and you will fall" steeling myself i pull my blade from it's scabbard, the blade itself glows red with hate and blood. i look around me, measuring my opponents. i fling my sword into the air and attack the leader, slitting his throat with my knife blade tucked neatly into my bracers, he falls gasping for breath. racing back i grab my sword before it hits the ground and thrust it into another of my attackers before he could react. two down eight more to go. i stand ready to defend myself, my attackers circling around me, looking for an opportuinty to attack. movement behind me takes my attention and i fling my blade into my new attackers forehead. pulling free in time to thrust it into anothers stomach. two more down.
"give up, i have killed four of you already, if you wish for your families to eat then i would quit and run now... but i can't promise that i will let you go, i am after all a demon and your souls feed my swords hatred"
"w...w...we should run, she's too much for us" one of them stammers. i can smell the foul smell of piss running down his leg. i let out a laugh so evil that he turns to run away. three steps into his run he falls dead, one of my blades sticking through his heart.
"i am Debraxi, high templar knight of the demons, only female in the army. YOUR souls will be mine" i scream, attacking the rest of them as violently as i can. i rip one of thier throats out with my bare hands, throwing whats left of it into anothers face, i impale him with my sword, ripping up, spilling his guts everywhere. the rest try to run, but do so without thier heads. blood stains my armor and swords blade, soaking in and feeding it with hatred. i look about at the damage done, re-sheath my sword and return to my walk. i'm late.
**2**
**Debraxi: The Drak'Thurin**
i was human once. Part of the human alliances army. a Drak'thurin, or dragon rider. i was a leader, answering only to the king of our lands himself. but i was betrayed. asked to force my family into the afterlife plain. i was brandished a murderer and unfit to lead an army. they tortured me to no end, reviving me when i died to do it all over again. my body scarred from whips and burning rods of metal. The king himself did most of my punishment, siting that it was unproper for a Drak'Thurin to kill those of thier own kind, especially thier family. i did it cause he asked... i did it with great patience.... i did it with regret. after what seemed like years in a dark tower surrouneded by those that i myself persecuted, they set me free. not in the way most would be, i was killed... raped then killed by those that were my friends. i can still remember thier sweat covered bodies as they thrust into me, one after the other. calling me names and smacking me... beating me until there was no breath left in my lungs. i passed into the afterlife plain, ready for my sweet, sweet revenge on those that did this to me... and i will get it.
Of all the pain that could befallen me, after all i did for the king of men, i was so easily cast aside and thrown from the loving, holding arms i was accoustomed to. My body was desicrated after i passed. scarred beyond recognition. my face beaten to a pulp. my breasts cut off and hung in the kinds bedchamber. my arms and legs were tore from my body and place at the four corner stones of the castle. i served as their messenger even in death. the king showed those that would betray him what would happen. i became thier martyr, serving one last purpose to the will of a derrange king of men.
as i passed over, i saw my life. my birth, teen years... my family. i saw my blade cut through my sons hair, splitting his skull in two. his eyes wide with shock and horror as he stared at me. my husband, running in from the field where he was helping the slave workers. i could see him look at me then our son... blood... pooling on the ground around his lifeless body. the look of sheer horror on his face as he looked at the blood on my sword. with one quick move i ended his suffering. one sharp stab in the chest. he was gone in seconds, passing over onto the afterlife plain. it wasn't long before the castle guards came and arrested me, knowing full well that i had done as order. told that my husband was helping the dark ones. my trial, short and sweet, my emprisonment and my rape... then finally my death.
But death isn't what one would think. i learned this the hard way, in passing into the afterlife plain there are many "lands" to go through before you find where you belong. these lands, placed by the gods of Heaven and Hell, are designed to test you. if you fall into vengful thinking you end up in hell, rightious deaths go to heaven. the first land in the series is as was described before, it is called "The lands of Limbo", where you see what you had done in the glorious life you lived. where the gods test if you can make it through the rest, placing bets on who goes where. it's a cruel game, but we all must play at one point in time. the second, as i find out, is "the Forgotten Lands"...
**3**
**The Forgotten Lands**
the "walk" i was on through the times in my life lead to the Lands of the Forgotten. Forsaken by all the dead that cross over to Heaven or Hell. the lands, covered in decaying trees and swamps full of bodies, spans many miles in the passing lands. as i passed into this new realm of the afterlife plain i found another, lying, crying on the ground. shaken by her death i walked over and asked her name. she said it was Destynie of the Hark'kurim tribe of humans. an outcast of her tribe she sought to become a Drak'thurin, but died in the trials. I introduced myself and told her to get up and be strong. She noticed the name and started to cry again.
"Debraxi, where are we?" She asked tears falling slowly down her cheeks, a quiver in her voice.
"The Forgotten Lands" I answered "a place for those murder or forgotten. we must be careful, these woods are crowded with vengful spirits, or so my father told me once." I try to sound brave, not knowing fully that we would be safe walking through these woods. "we need to go through them, it's another test from the gods."
"I.. I'm not stepping inside those damned decaying trees. i think i'm going to stay here... you're not going to leave me are you?" she was starting to cry again.
"stop that, you'll be fine, get up... let's go, you're coming with me"
we started down the hillside and into the forest. walking what i thought could be east. once inside the woods the sun seemed to dissappear, shadows seemed to move all around us. quivering behind me Destynie quietly sobbed as i led her deeper into the woods. about three miles into the forest we stopped. ahead of us was a clearing with what looked like decaying corpses walking around. i told destynie to wait here in the bushes and slowly crept forward to get a better look. what i saw was exactly as i thought, corpses, decaying slowly with time, walking around looking for something. i crept a little closer and pulled a rock out of the ground, throwing it far to the west of the clearing. the corpses looked up from the ground, hearing the sounds of my rock crashing throught the dead branches of the far tree bank. slowly they made thier way to where my rock laid to rest. i quickly crept back to destynie and told her it was time to move. watching the corpses as i lead her into the clearing and through it.
"those... were.. dead.. people weren't they" she asked me never looking away from them herself.
"forgotten by the gods. they lay here, restless, decaying through time, never finding thier true place" i told her, still creeping through the clearing.
"thats... horrid" she said, her voice cold as steel. "i feel i need to give you some information about myself... i wasn't always this scared you know..."
"i think you should wait until we're safely back into the woods" i interrupted her "our decaying friends don't seem interested in my rock anymore"
**4**
**Destynie: The Terrin'kul"
we made it to the other side of the clearing, hardly noticed by the wandering corpses. once at a safe distance from the clearing we sat down, i told destynie to contiue with whatever it was she was going to say.
"I was a Terrin'kul, a huntress for my tribe. daughter of the chieften, but and outcast. i had the unique ability to speak to the animals. my fellow tribesman didn't understand, so they drove me out. i ran... and i ran... finally getting lost. no animals in the forest outside your beloved castle would talk to me, show me the way. I... I.. lied to you before, or maybe the fates did, when i told you i was going to your caslte to become a Drak'thurin. i was looking for the king, to ask that he take me into his army. to show him a village that opposes him, but i was killed instead." she said, memories clearly hurting her inside. tears slowly flowing down her cheeks once again.
"you saw the king... and he betrayed you didn't he" i asked her.
"yes... and no... i saw his adivisors, never did i see the king himself. they took the information i had, then tossed me to the wolves. i thought i would be of use..." she stopped only pausing to let loose a shudder. "i was, i guess you could say. they sold me to the highest bidder, i lost my virginity to an eighty year old man and his "boy", they bought me to be thier whore." her tears stopped and her voice changed once again from the stutter, shell shocked tone i was so used to, now i could hear her anger, her hatred for what they had done to her. "so i stole away, found a bow, fashioned some arrows and waited. when they came out in the morning... they didn't see what was coming, i shot them, one at a time from a tree about three hundred yards from the house. they ran of course, but i am a huntress. i got my revenge that day... so why am i being cursed by coming here?"
"cause you died" i answered her as solmely as i could muster.
"i got killed... sold... betrayed... shouldn't death be a release?" she sat down on the ground beside me "i mean.. this isn't right, why are you here?"
i had hope this question would not come up. think of it as a standard, i'm not used to being questioned. " i was, myself was betrayed by the king of men. I was Drak'Thurin, a leader of an army. I was called to the kings chambers and asked to do a deed for him. this deed i did, with honor to my king, but betrayal to myself. I slew my family, thinking they were working with an unknown enemy. my son, my husband... i was then seized by the kings guard, tortured and killed many times, raped... then thrown into a river, soon to be forgotten. I too will have my revenge on the king of men."
A common bond among strangers, forged in vengful death. we set off towards the east again, heading deeper into the Forgotten woods. Destynie walking tall now, she found a sister in death and was ready to die again for her. I too felt the same.
**5**
**The Ruins Of The Forgotten**
we walked for what seemed like hours. the sun never able to break through the dead tree tops, as we walked i found the trees getting closer and closer together. Suddenly as we passed through the trees the sun shone bright apon our white, dead skin. Another clearing, we ducked down hoping we weren't seen by anyone that may have been standing in the grass. after a few minutes i peek my head up and took a quick look around. seeing nothing i stood up. motioned for destynie to do the same and took a better look at our surroundings.
The sun shone on tall green grass, shaped by the trees in a perfect circle. dead in the middle, where the sun seemed to be shining brighter was an old entrance to what seemed like an underground barracks for some dead army. carefully we walked toward the entrance.
"do you know what this is Debraxi?" destynie whispered into my ear
"no" i answered "but i intend to find out... the easy way or the hard way."
"what the hell is that supposed to mean" her whispers getting more excited
"shhhh, if there is anything in here i wanna surprise them, not them surprise us, so keep it down.... got it?"
"yes" she said hanging her head and whispering again.
the entrance was carved out of the face of the slight hill. like a hobits hole but built downwards, going deep into the ground. we could see what would have been door hinges, ripped off long ago by something big and strong enough to move a heavy door right out of a rock's face. runes adored the door frame, carved into the rock and pale, like some sort of magic spell was there but barely had enough power to sustain itself.
"it says 'enter at own risk, dark evil lurks inside'" destynie whispered. i could hear her breath cought in her throat.
"how do you know that?" i asked, not bothering to hold my surprise.
"i don't.... know" she said " i just can... theres more...'only those of venful hate can survive, enter if you dare'"
"the doors been gone for... longer then i can think of at the moment"
"do you think there is anyone still down there?" she asked " maybe using it for shelter from this dreaded sun"
"maybe..." i said "possible... we should check"
"if you insist"
we entered, slowly, creeping down the stairs, hugging the side walls. after we went down fifty stairs, the air got stale and the light was stolen away. i looked back toward the door, what once was ripped away was now replaced. the door was back, runes glowing giddily on the door itself, i turned destynie around and asked her to read what they said.
"you have come to the Ruins of the Forgotten, if vengful of heart and death, seek out the devil king of hades hand" she read aloud. "who do you think that is?"
"i don't know, but this name "ruins of the forgotten..."
"yes?" destynies questioned as i drifted off into memories, trying despratly to dig into my past life and remeber the name.
"my.. my father, he told me about the afterlife, claiming he met someone that was here and went back, someone at a bar somewhere... anyway, this is for those destined for Hell's high army" i told her as the memory flooded back into my mind. " We were murdered, betrayed, raped... we are both vengful of heart and death. we are destined to be in Hell's army Destynie"
"oh.."
**6**
**Pools of Despair**
We encountered little to no trouble in walking through what must have been the first half of the ruins. moving deeper into them, we walked for what seemed like hours, the only light coming from a torch we stole from a camp of dead elves. most likly victims not fit for the ruins. passing through empty chamber after empty chamber, some had skeltons of dead humans, orcs or elves lieing around, some barred in chains. as we walked, silently in case of any other explorers, we came to a chamber, fully cirular with a pool of blue green liquid. looking into it i saw tortured souls swimming deep in the water, wailing to no one in particular, but no sounds escaped the waters. destynie came to my side and looked in, seeing what i saw she retreated to the walls to read the ruins carved in the stone.
"the Pools of Despair" she read "Three in total if i'm getting this right, this is for the tortured souls. destined to swim in thier sorrows, thats a horrid way to spend your afterlife"
"it's sad.." i responded, not able to look away from the souls swimming and screaming thier pain, not knowing that no one looking in can hear them.
"we should move on... this place is scaring me... the wall says the other two pools are further in, about two hundred yards, i guess we need to see them as well before we get to the other side of these ruins"
i moved away, taking one last glance at the pool in front of me, then headed toward the door on the other side of the chamber. Destynie followed me and we headed toward the other two pools. again passing through empty chambers, we came to one where light and think voices could be heard. crouching and hugging the wall closest to the voices i crept forward and peeked into the room. three decaying corpses were trying to feed on a withering blood elf, he in turn was trying to fight them off. i returned to Destynie and told her about the situation.
"there are three corpses attacking a withering blood elf, he's trying to fight them off but without our help he'll expire again and go further into the forgotten lands." i said, my voice like steel "are you ready to fight?"
"i think so" she told me, looking around for a weapon. " i need a bow... wait... Thurum.. Tachim.. Creptim"
"what was that? i asked bewildered by the sudden change in her tempo and words.
" i don't know..." she trailed off as a sound came from behind us, like bones being pulled back together and reanimated. suddenly out of the darkness came three skeletons... three of the dead ones we just passed, brandishing swords and sheilds. they stopped just short of a foot from us and stood ready to fight. two of them offering me two swords and destynie one for herself. with this we were ready to fight. we rounded the corner and struck the corpses with all we had. Destynie pulled the blood elf to the safety while the skeletons attacked and killed the corpses with me.
After the battle was finished the skeletons again fell apart, thier bones shattering as the hit the ground in a pile of dust. we watched and looked around to see if any more dangers were lurking about, then walked to the withering blood elf.
"what is your name?" i asked him as we helped him to stand "and what are you doing in these ruins?"
"i.. i am Malinik Dreafix... Blood Elf warlord" he said struggling through the pain " and i.. i'm here.. trying to find my place in the afterl..life"
"well this is the ruins of the forgotten... it's apparently for those meant for Hell's high army" destynie said "if we are getting these runes right after all"
"can you stand on your own?" i asked "for that matter can you walk? you're of no use to us if you can't fight with us"
"cold debraxi, that was just cold" destynie said, a scolding tone in her voice.
"it's all right love, i have heard worse from humans" Malinik said "and to answer your questions.. debraxi, right? yes i can.. and give me a moment and a sword and i can fight with you, maybe save your life in the process"
"i doubt that" i said and started walking away
the three of us walked for an hour through narrow halls. Destynie reading the runes as we walked, hopefully pointing us in the right direction. soon we came to the second pool, destynie went over to the runes on the wall and read them out loud for Malinik and I could hear.
"The Pool of the weary, for those who suffered deaths by loved ones or ones own hand, destined to remain until thier pain be resolved" she read with confidence in her voice " i'm getting good at this"
i walked over to the pools edge and look inside, seeing souls swimming againg in a reddish purle ooze. as i looked in two souls swam closer to the surface and as they looked up and i looked in i recognized thier faces. i fell away from the edge, bawled up into the fetal position and began to weep, seeing what i had done to my son and husband crushing all that i had to steel myself. thier eyes, even though i could no longer see them, still burned holes through my chest. Destynie and Malinik ran, quickly, to my side, both concered with my well being. i pushed them away and got up. steel myself again and looked into the pool. as i stared again into the murky ooze, my family floated to the surface and stared through my chest. i looked at them and wept, i wept so they could see the pain i held inside my heart and soul for what i had done to them. i wept so they could see the pain i went through for so many years after finding out that i had been betrayed after my betrayal. still they stared holes through my chest, causeing my heart more pain than i thought it could bare. i grew cold and hated the fact that my dead family was judging me from thier pool of slime and ooze, so i threw my fists into the ooze, smashing the barrier between myself and my family, freeing my soul from the torment.
Friday, May 11, 2007
let's not talk about it...
"a look inside"
nothing in me seems new
every feeling is used
the voices in my head say everythings ok
i ask them then why do i feel this way
never knowing when my time is up
i always feel so crushed
bruises turn into scars
my minds not what it used to be
everything is bleak
i'm surrounded by shadows
and every word you speak is a killing blow
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
when the thin clouds seem to disperse
dreary eyed and sleepy, i'll turn
living my nightmares
never my dreams
the rains never seem to cease
so my clouds will never disperse
i'm trapped in my own mind
not letting me out
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
till death bed i'll sleep on the couch
the walls and bed feel like prisons
speaking hurtful things in the night
bare walls seem safer
never a story to tell
but as the sun goes down
i still see no sleep
my weary eyes are tired and sore
but my mind races
never tiring out
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
Andrew C.
nothing in me seems new
every feeling is used
the voices in my head say everythings ok
i ask them then why do i feel this way
never knowing when my time is up
i always feel so crushed
bruises turn into scars
my minds not what it used to be
everything is bleak
i'm surrounded by shadows
and every word you speak is a killing blow
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
when the thin clouds seem to disperse
dreary eyed and sleepy, i'll turn
living my nightmares
never my dreams
the rains never seem to cease
so my clouds will never disperse
i'm trapped in my own mind
not letting me out
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
till death bed i'll sleep on the couch
the walls and bed feel like prisons
speaking hurtful things in the night
bare walls seem safer
never a story to tell
but as the sun goes down
i still see no sleep
my weary eyes are tired and sore
but my mind races
never tiring out
patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.
Andrew C.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
An update...
well lets see, i should prolly put something relevent on this thing. poetry is good, but if you don't know me then you wouldn't be able to decifer what they are all about.
things have been rocky for me. lots of inner turmoil, fights with my own thoughts. possiblities of losing a job that just isn't worth the bullshit that i have to put up with anyway. umm, lets see, my mothers boyfriend has to close his shop (he owns his own body shop on Quadra) in june cause it's killing him, literally. she's got to find a job and wants me to come over and make up a cover letter for her resume, side note, baby we should go over there and visit soon.
Trista and Eric, my roommates for those who don't know, seem to be doing thier own thing. trista left Wendy's the other day, stupid place is a fucking gong show anyway.
FINGER ELEVEN ON THE 13th, and i get to see them for the first time with the most special person, the most beauftul person i know. it'll be a long trip down there, at least i think so since i don't usually get up until around 1230-1ish, we have to be up and possibly on the bus by 9 in the morning to get there at a half decent time. it should be fun and interesting.
oh how times change. it's almost a year and i can't believe how time flies. we've had our up times and thank god they out number the bad times. i love you and always will. you have been there for me through the worst of times, always having my back when everyone else seems to be giving up on me, i love you for that. i know that it seems like i'm a frustrated, over exposed, self possessed asshole sometimes, at least thats what i feel like and you put up with me still, i will never find another person like you and i'm ever grateful that we have each other. 5 LOOOOONG years of friendship and one SHORT year of relationship, the times have changed and the one constant is you. I LOVE YOU BABY.
i think that might be it. i can't really think of anything else to put on here. it's 8:52 in the am. i've been woken by my teeth again... but thats ok, just means i can acctually enjoy a day.
things have been rocky for me. lots of inner turmoil, fights with my own thoughts. possiblities of losing a job that just isn't worth the bullshit that i have to put up with anyway. umm, lets see, my mothers boyfriend has to close his shop (he owns his own body shop on Quadra) in june cause it's killing him, literally. she's got to find a job and wants me to come over and make up a cover letter for her resume, side note, baby we should go over there and visit soon.
Trista and Eric, my roommates for those who don't know, seem to be doing thier own thing. trista left Wendy's the other day, stupid place is a fucking gong show anyway.
FINGER ELEVEN ON THE 13th, and i get to see them for the first time with the most special person, the most beauftul person i know. it'll be a long trip down there, at least i think so since i don't usually get up until around 1230-1ish, we have to be up and possibly on the bus by 9 in the morning to get there at a half decent time. it should be fun and interesting.
oh how times change. it's almost a year and i can't believe how time flies. we've had our up times and thank god they out number the bad times. i love you and always will. you have been there for me through the worst of times, always having my back when everyone else seems to be giving up on me, i love you for that. i know that it seems like i'm a frustrated, over exposed, self possessed asshole sometimes, at least thats what i feel like and you put up with me still, i will never find another person like you and i'm ever grateful that we have each other. 5 LOOOOONG years of friendship and one SHORT year of relationship, the times have changed and the one constant is you. I LOVE YOU BABY.
i think that might be it. i can't really think of anything else to put on here. it's 8:52 in the am. i've been woken by my teeth again... but thats ok, just means i can acctually enjoy a day.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Untitled
I'm breathing in the breakdown
watch as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the tides pull me in every way
taking me further and further away.
i'll scream for help but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i fucked us up the most
and i'm sorry...
i'm breathing in my own poison
taking the syringe and sticking it in.
my veins are pumping
my diseased blood is flowing through
making me feel the ways i do.
i'll scream out for you but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i had you back
and i'm sorry...
this is taking everything out of me
i feel so useless, so incomplete
my shell of skin is breaking
leaving the underside exposed.
but my heart is still out on my sleeve
crying out for what i need.
so i'll scream out for you with it but,
will you answer my our calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i could relax
and i'm sorry...
i'm breathing in the breakdown
watch me as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the wind pulls me away.
cause i'm falling from our great height
calling out to you but,
will you answer my calls
cause in everything else i had
i just wanted you.
and i'm sorry
watch as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the tides pull me in every way
taking me further and further away.
i'll scream for help but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i fucked us up the most
and i'm sorry...
i'm breathing in my own poison
taking the syringe and sticking it in.
my veins are pumping
my diseased blood is flowing through
making me feel the ways i do.
i'll scream out for you but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i had you back
and i'm sorry...
this is taking everything out of me
i feel so useless, so incomplete
my shell of skin is breaking
leaving the underside exposed.
but my heart is still out on my sleeve
crying out for what i need.
so i'll scream out for you with it but,
will you answer my our calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i could relax
and i'm sorry...
i'm breathing in the breakdown
watch me as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the wind pulls me away.
cause i'm falling from our great height
calling out to you but,
will you answer my calls
cause in everything else i had
i just wanted you.
and i'm sorry
Friday, April 27, 2007
20?
I'll watch as the heavens turn to fire
Closed eyed and challenging the words,
Short of breath but still clinging to something
Twenty questions to ask the sky
Why do you wish that you were home?
The rain hasn't been so bad.
Washing away everything i wish to forget
Can't blame it.
Why would you wanna fill the ground with pain?
The rain is acid on my skin.
Burning in every memory
Can't blame it.
I'm helpless to the feelings inside
They well up and then, SURPRISE!
I'm fake in all the right places
But my hands are soft
Asking god twenty questions
Why is it we're all alone?
Cause in the end i wanna be loved.
But i know i'll be alone
Can't blame me.
Why is it we're just like you, but fools?
Knowing this will give me peace.
But i hear nothing in my dreams
Can't blame me.
My eyes roll back in my head
The air in my lungs is spent
Short breaths now, i still have something to say
Twenty questions on why i feel this way
Why is it so cold?
When i feel all alone.
Cause i'm afraid of the things in my head
Can't blame me.
Why do i feel so numb?
Death isn't home.
So i'll lay here slowly loosing breath
Cause i can't blame death.
I wouldn't want me either.
Andrew C.
Closed eyed and challenging the words,
Short of breath but still clinging to something
Twenty questions to ask the sky
Why do you wish that you were home?
The rain hasn't been so bad.
Washing away everything i wish to forget
Can't blame it.
Why would you wanna fill the ground with pain?
The rain is acid on my skin.
Burning in every memory
Can't blame it.
I'm helpless to the feelings inside
They well up and then, SURPRISE!
I'm fake in all the right places
But my hands are soft
Asking god twenty questions
Why is it we're all alone?
Cause in the end i wanna be loved.
But i know i'll be alone
Can't blame me.
Why is it we're just like you, but fools?
Knowing this will give me peace.
But i hear nothing in my dreams
Can't blame me.
My eyes roll back in my head
The air in my lungs is spent
Short breaths now, i still have something to say
Twenty questions on why i feel this way
Why is it so cold?
When i feel all alone.
Cause i'm afraid of the things in my head
Can't blame me.
Why do i feel so numb?
Death isn't home.
So i'll lay here slowly loosing breath
Cause i can't blame death.
I wouldn't want me either.
Andrew C.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
beating a fear of someone elses death...
"Rough Eyes"
Can't pin poin the moment when i felt this bad
Time takes away all i had.
I've been broken, repaired and now i'm failing
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.
I've been left in the dust
Body covered and shoved in the freezer.
Outside my grave is being dug
The earth will be my blanket.
And I can't stand it.
Can't pin point a moment in time
When all the things i had were right.
I've been wasted, treated and down the road again
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.
I've been coveted and loved,
Hurt and broken,
Wasted and treated.
I can see my end...
And I can't stand it.
But being that I am who I am
Cursed with the gift of man.
Humanity feeds the violence inside my brain
Pushing me to do this all over again.
I can't stand.
Now I can see the fires
My everything burning away.
I hear what she always said now, whispering
"I was the only thing you had"
And i can't stand it.
So watch as my hands bleed
From cuts far beneath the skin.
'Cause i'm ready for this
Ready to give in.
I can finally stand what i've become.
I am my own skin.
Andrew C.
Can't pin poin the moment when i felt this bad
Time takes away all i had.
I've been broken, repaired and now i'm failing
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.
I've been left in the dust
Body covered and shoved in the freezer.
Outside my grave is being dug
The earth will be my blanket.
And I can't stand it.
Can't pin point a moment in time
When all the things i had were right.
I've been wasted, treated and down the road again
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.
I've been coveted and loved,
Hurt and broken,
Wasted and treated.
I can see my end...
And I can't stand it.
But being that I am who I am
Cursed with the gift of man.
Humanity feeds the violence inside my brain
Pushing me to do this all over again.
I can't stand.
Now I can see the fires
My everything burning away.
I hear what she always said now, whispering
"I was the only thing you had"
And i can't stand it.
So watch as my hands bleed
From cuts far beneath the skin.
'Cause i'm ready for this
Ready to give in.
I can finally stand what i've become.
I am my own skin.
Andrew C.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
new poem....
"Save me... I'm Giving In"
i need to hear your voice
soothe me into memory
cause the world looks bleak
and i'm sinking in
i need to see your eyes
so i can steal myself away
when everything gets too heavy
and my shoulders feel like lead
come and save me..
i need your touch
the soft feeling on my skin, like silk
cause everything is too much
and i'm sinking in
and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side
come and save me..
tomorrow seems too far away
and time seems to stand still
i can't see that far ahead
cause tomorrow is always the hardest
no one seems to be alive
walking in the shelter of thier lives
it seems i'm the only one that feels it
broken in on all sides
come and save me...
i need your touch
this shit i go through is too much
and you're my angel
my saving grace
i need your laugh
to fill my heart inside
cause i can feel it turning black
i can feel my feelings die
and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side
come and save me..
come and save..
come and save me..
before i give in.
Andrew C.
i need to hear your voice
soothe me into memory
cause the world looks bleak
and i'm sinking in
i need to see your eyes
so i can steal myself away
when everything gets too heavy
and my shoulders feel like lead
come and save me..
i need your touch
the soft feeling on my skin, like silk
cause everything is too much
and i'm sinking in
and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side
come and save me..
tomorrow seems too far away
and time seems to stand still
i can't see that far ahead
cause tomorrow is always the hardest
no one seems to be alive
walking in the shelter of thier lives
it seems i'm the only one that feels it
broken in on all sides
come and save me...
i need your touch
this shit i go through is too much
and you're my angel
my saving grace
i need your laugh
to fill my heart inside
cause i can feel it turning black
i can feel my feelings die
and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side
come and save me..
come and save..
come and save me..
before i give in.
Andrew C.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
just a little story
The wind was chilled and to my back as i walked down the street. you could smell the freshness of a new fallen rain in the air. my thoughts wieghed heavy on my shoulders, tonight would be a good night to sort them out. i feel into a queer silence as i walked the dark streets and narrow allys of my new found "home". the nightcrawlers coming out of the wood work asking me if i could spare change or wanted to get high. this was the place i moved to? this is the place that was supposed to be better then home? these thoughts running rampant in my head.
I lived most of my childhood in a small town. Perth, Ontario. birthplace and if i get my way, final resting place. my mother decided at the tender age of ten that we needed to move. so we sold most of our most prized possesions and picked up. we came to land on Vancouver Island. a nice place but not what i would call home, at least not yet. i spent the majority of my teen years being silent and un noticed in jr. high and high school. don't get me wrong i had my friends, but we were a tight nit group of people. After a few years some of us drifted away. moved onto new places and new people. it was a hard time for me.
i was one of those to move. after doing a few things i shouldn't have done in my town, i left. didn't think of who i was leaving behind, just like before when we moved across cananda, i picked up my things and left. i went to edmonton. not much of a place, dirty streets and restless cowboys surrounded me everywhere i went. so i moved once more to calgary, here i had at least one friend, my best friend. Jason let me stay with him for awhile and we eventually moved into our own place. there we got into the drinking heavily. the nights passed by us as we wallowed them away in drunken stupor after drunken stupor. numerous people just drifting in and out of our lives and home. we would rock out to heavy metal and thrash the place, wake up the next day and clean. just to do it again. life was simple.... it seemed.
jason and i got into an arguement about this thing or that, i'm not really sure anymore. i decided it was time for one of us to leave and nominated myself. so once again i picked my things up and left. i said my good byes this time, learning for past expierences that you should always do this, and walked out of calgary lifestyle. fate as it would seem call my brother, Johnathan, to my side this time. offering a place to stay and a job as soon as i get there, i pointed my compas north and retreated to family i was not sure i was familliar with anymore. turns out i was right.
things went well in grande prairie for a while. i got my job working at mac dicks for 9 bucks an hour. johnny was getting me heavy into pot smoking, so i would spend most of my time, not in a drunken stupor but stoned out of my gore. the time passed slowly then. things were more adept. i learned to live with my poisons. even if one of them is me. i met a few people through work that seemed alright. more outside of work that seemed even better. but life would take me somewhere soon that i wasn't prepared to go.
i was having troubles dealing with a few things in my life at this point. break ups, missing old friends and my general depressions thats been kicking around since i was sixteen. i lived in a haze of smoke. never thinking past the moment. never careing where i was going to end up. then one night i would come home to see two of my friends sitting at my table with my brother. things started to get heated and i tried to leave before anythings stupid that might break and already unsteady relationship. but to no avail. i was thrown around, smashed against things, told what to do and how to do them. johnny was asuming his "father" role. he had heard some rumors that i was doing a drug that shouldn't be done. this was not true. so i left again.
i came home...
then left again...
to be continued.....
Andrew C.
I lived most of my childhood in a small town. Perth, Ontario. birthplace and if i get my way, final resting place. my mother decided at the tender age of ten that we needed to move. so we sold most of our most prized possesions and picked up. we came to land on Vancouver Island. a nice place but not what i would call home, at least not yet. i spent the majority of my teen years being silent and un noticed in jr. high and high school. don't get me wrong i had my friends, but we were a tight nit group of people. After a few years some of us drifted away. moved onto new places and new people. it was a hard time for me.
i was one of those to move. after doing a few things i shouldn't have done in my town, i left. didn't think of who i was leaving behind, just like before when we moved across cananda, i picked up my things and left. i went to edmonton. not much of a place, dirty streets and restless cowboys surrounded me everywhere i went. so i moved once more to calgary, here i had at least one friend, my best friend. Jason let me stay with him for awhile and we eventually moved into our own place. there we got into the drinking heavily. the nights passed by us as we wallowed them away in drunken stupor after drunken stupor. numerous people just drifting in and out of our lives and home. we would rock out to heavy metal and thrash the place, wake up the next day and clean. just to do it again. life was simple.... it seemed.
jason and i got into an arguement about this thing or that, i'm not really sure anymore. i decided it was time for one of us to leave and nominated myself. so once again i picked my things up and left. i said my good byes this time, learning for past expierences that you should always do this, and walked out of calgary lifestyle. fate as it would seem call my brother, Johnathan, to my side this time. offering a place to stay and a job as soon as i get there, i pointed my compas north and retreated to family i was not sure i was familliar with anymore. turns out i was right.
things went well in grande prairie for a while. i got my job working at mac dicks for 9 bucks an hour. johnny was getting me heavy into pot smoking, so i would spend most of my time, not in a drunken stupor but stoned out of my gore. the time passed slowly then. things were more adept. i learned to live with my poisons. even if one of them is me. i met a few people through work that seemed alright. more outside of work that seemed even better. but life would take me somewhere soon that i wasn't prepared to go.
i was having troubles dealing with a few things in my life at this point. break ups, missing old friends and my general depressions thats been kicking around since i was sixteen. i lived in a haze of smoke. never thinking past the moment. never careing where i was going to end up. then one night i would come home to see two of my friends sitting at my table with my brother. things started to get heated and i tried to leave before anythings stupid that might break and already unsteady relationship. but to no avail. i was thrown around, smashed against things, told what to do and how to do them. johnny was asuming his "father" role. he had heard some rumors that i was doing a drug that shouldn't be done. this was not true. so i left again.
i came home...
then left again...
to be continued.....
Andrew C.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Letting the stress go.
"never going home"
can't help but think somethings wrong
i'm from here but this isn't home
the house i lived in feels so cold
the walls look old and bare
my childhood no longer displayed here
this child has grown
another chapter in the book is written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...
bad dreams were my plauge
as i slept rarely in my bed
these walls were no comfort then
they still seem the same
i used to hear my mother screaming
so clear through the bare walls
and as he grunted
i could hear the broken legs.
another chapter has been written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...
but fear not for me, the unforgiven
i trust that i'll go silently
cause after all i've witnessed
there is no more of me...
i left this house at seventeen
never looking back
i moved so far away from here
but can still hear the sounds
the screams and grunts
the long nights awake
i fear no death that could come to me
cause i'm ashamed of never going back.
another chapter has been written
the end has come too near
cause after all i've given
my time has disappeared...
Andrew C.
can't help but think somethings wrong
i'm from here but this isn't home
the house i lived in feels so cold
the walls look old and bare
my childhood no longer displayed here
this child has grown
another chapter in the book is written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...
bad dreams were my plauge
as i slept rarely in my bed
these walls were no comfort then
they still seem the same
i used to hear my mother screaming
so clear through the bare walls
and as he grunted
i could hear the broken legs.
another chapter has been written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...
but fear not for me, the unforgiven
i trust that i'll go silently
cause after all i've witnessed
there is no more of me...
i left this house at seventeen
never looking back
i moved so far away from here
but can still hear the sounds
the screams and grunts
the long nights awake
i fear no death that could come to me
cause i'm ashamed of never going back.
another chapter has been written
the end has come too near
cause after all i've given
my time has disappeared...
Andrew C.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
crushed velvet and living handrails
i guess i should update this thing shouldn't i. well it's easter. another holiday for ppl who love holidays. another day for children to get wasted on sugar and run around like lunatics. i hate holidays. but on the other hand today is the celebration of a greater day then any other in my mind. today we celebrated our 1 year (although it's next month on the 14th). we made it that far......
so what else is new with me... hmmm, let me see. i'm in nanaimo at the moment if the first part of this didn't click in and tell you that. i've been here for at least two days thus far and it's been the best two days of my life. with all the happiness i feel i can't help but think of whats going on back home in CR. i know for a fact that when i return summer hours for joey's only will be starting and i will be working 6 days a week for 4 hours. getting paid only 8 an hr. boss doesn't pay me enough for this shit.
i was talking with one of my relatives today. he told me something that made me kinda of think about who i was, and where i would be if it weren't for steph. one of my cousins, whos no more then 15 O.Ded on a cocktail of perscription drugs, i guess she's fine and all only having to stay in the hospital and prolly got her stomach pumped. but if she could do that on perscription drugs what would have happend to me if i got into the "real" drugs more then i was. would i have been so lucky as to survive such an ordeal? would there have been people there that could help me get to a hospital? would they even care to do that much?. as for who i was, i definatly wasn't myself. i spent most of my time in my house, MY ROOM to be exact, smoking dope or dropping this pill down my throat and sticking the powder from this pill up my nose. i'll say this in my defense tho, it's been almost 2 years since the last time i took a pill. in any way. i almost lost so many of my ol' highschool friends cause i changed into someone that just didn't care anymore as long as i had that magic pill. it took steph getting pissed off at me and not talking to me for a few months to make me realize what i was doing. i was ruining myself and my relationship with all those that i really cared about. so i stopped, moved away from where i was living and now i have to deal with the fact that sooner or later one of my family could follow me in my footsteps, well not in the most direct way tho.
anyway this is depressing me and today is supposed to be a happy day so i think i'm going to leave here and run into the arms of my beautiful angel. i love you baby
A.C.M.
so what else is new with me... hmmm, let me see. i'm in nanaimo at the moment if the first part of this didn't click in and tell you that. i've been here for at least two days thus far and it's been the best two days of my life. with all the happiness i feel i can't help but think of whats going on back home in CR. i know for a fact that when i return summer hours for joey's only will be starting and i will be working 6 days a week for 4 hours. getting paid only 8 an hr. boss doesn't pay me enough for this shit.
i was talking with one of my relatives today. he told me something that made me kinda of think about who i was, and where i would be if it weren't for steph. one of my cousins, whos no more then 15 O.Ded on a cocktail of perscription drugs, i guess she's fine and all only having to stay in the hospital and prolly got her stomach pumped. but if she could do that on perscription drugs what would have happend to me if i got into the "real" drugs more then i was. would i have been so lucky as to survive such an ordeal? would there have been people there that could help me get to a hospital? would they even care to do that much?. as for who i was, i definatly wasn't myself. i spent most of my time in my house, MY ROOM to be exact, smoking dope or dropping this pill down my throat and sticking the powder from this pill up my nose. i'll say this in my defense tho, it's been almost 2 years since the last time i took a pill. in any way. i almost lost so many of my ol' highschool friends cause i changed into someone that just didn't care anymore as long as i had that magic pill. it took steph getting pissed off at me and not talking to me for a few months to make me realize what i was doing. i was ruining myself and my relationship with all those that i really cared about. so i stopped, moved away from where i was living and now i have to deal with the fact that sooner or later one of my family could follow me in my footsteps, well not in the most direct way tho.
anyway this is depressing me and today is supposed to be a happy day so i think i'm going to leave here and run into the arms of my beautiful angel. i love you baby
A.C.M.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
What If?
"What If?"
i look at all the pictures i have of you
wondering if you feel the way i do
cause time is a thing to fickle for us to play
it eats away at us everyday
and the pain on our faces becomes more evident
when everything we thought was good, wasn't
we watch as our hearts become divided
all the fears that we have becoming excited
it eats away at us every minute of everyday
and i watch as your tears fall
i look at all the pictures i have of you
smiling and laughing, having fun being you
think i think of all the things i said
they eat away at my head
but my dreams of you are a kaleidoscope of beauty
even the ones where you leave me
cause in all that we have
in all that we were
i'll have pictures to remember you
and if time eats away too much of me
so much that theres nothing to see
i'll become everything you want of me
cause i'll only be a memory
so, what if we had our time to be happy again?
so, what if i could do everything you want of me?
would i leave heaven to be with you again?
would i give my life to be beside you again?
what if i said...
yes?
Andrew C.
i look at all the pictures i have of you
wondering if you feel the way i do
cause time is a thing to fickle for us to play
it eats away at us everyday
and the pain on our faces becomes more evident
when everything we thought was good, wasn't
we watch as our hearts become divided
all the fears that we have becoming excited
it eats away at us every minute of everyday
and i watch as your tears fall
i look at all the pictures i have of you
smiling and laughing, having fun being you
think i think of all the things i said
they eat away at my head
but my dreams of you are a kaleidoscope of beauty
even the ones where you leave me
cause in all that we have
in all that we were
i'll have pictures to remember you
and if time eats away too much of me
so much that theres nothing to see
i'll become everything you want of me
cause i'll only be a memory
so, what if we had our time to be happy again?
so, what if i could do everything you want of me?
would i leave heaven to be with you again?
would i give my life to be beside you again?
what if i said...
yes?
Andrew C.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
nameless
watch me fall to my knees
twisted legs can't hold me
deep inside i bleed
and my life seems lonly
so as i crash again and again
into walls built to hold me in
i release a scream so wicked,
that i hardly make a sound
i'm thrown through tortures
left bloody and bruised
as i watch my scream gets wasted
and i end up used
watch as my life takes a dive
another into shollow water
and listen as bones crack and break
shattered into the tissue
if i seem so lonely
if i seem so afraid
it's only cause i'm fading.
already ready to break.
Andrew C.
twisted legs can't hold me
deep inside i bleed
and my life seems lonly
so as i crash again and again
into walls built to hold me in
i release a scream so wicked,
that i hardly make a sound
i'm thrown through tortures
left bloody and bruised
as i watch my scream gets wasted
and i end up used
watch as my life takes a dive
another into shollow water
and listen as bones crack and break
shattered into the tissue
if i seem so lonely
if i seem so afraid
it's only cause i'm fading.
already ready to break.
Andrew C.
passion miss spelled as entrapment
"beautiful"- Sevendust
200 miles per hour
that's how fast i seem to go
with the weight of the world on my shoulders
slow down, come and catch us all
WAIT!
slow down!
Take!
slow down!
why can't you help me?
slow down!
feel
when i'm in doubt
i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb
downward spiral, a kaleidoscope view
is what you're seeing saying so jaded
the picture i drew
come again, come again, come again!
wait!
take!
wait!
why can't you help me?
wait!
take!
wait!
take!
feel when i'm in doubt
feel when i'm in doubt
i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb
are you alive?
are you alive?
i'm alive
when i'm in doubt
i'm alive.
this song really has no bearing on what is going on in my life right now, but at times it strikes me as a way to escape somethings that bother me. it helps me to forget bad times passed andwill persue to do it in the future. i love sevendust and i am glad to have "re-discovered" this song at the time that i did. my thoughts are clear again, i know what i must do. so now it's up to me to do it.
Andrew C.
200 miles per hour
that's how fast i seem to go
with the weight of the world on my shoulders
slow down, come and catch us all
WAIT!
slow down!
Take!
slow down!
why can't you help me?
slow down!
feel
when i'm in doubt
i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb
downward spiral, a kaleidoscope view
is what you're seeing saying so jaded
the picture i drew
come again, come again, come again!
wait!
take!
wait!
why can't you help me?
wait!
take!
wait!
take!
feel when i'm in doubt
feel when i'm in doubt
i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb
are you alive?
are you alive?
i'm alive
when i'm in doubt
i'm alive.
this song really has no bearing on what is going on in my life right now, but at times it strikes me as a way to escape somethings that bother me. it helps me to forget bad times passed andwill persue to do it in the future. i love sevendust and i am glad to have "re-discovered" this song at the time that i did. my thoughts are clear again, i know what i must do. so now it's up to me to do it.
Andrew C.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
.a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
.b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
.c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
.d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
.e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?
.a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
.b) Alternative (1 pt.)
.c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
.d) Country (5 pts.)
.e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
.a) Comedy (2 pts.)
.b) Horror (1 pt.)
.c) Musical (3 pts.)
.d) Romance (4 pts.)
.e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
.a) Waiter (4 pts.)
.b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
.c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
.e) Cashier (1 pt)
5. What do you do with your spare time?
.a) Exercise (5 pts.)
.b) Read (4 pts.)
.c) Watch television (2 pts.)
.d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
.e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
.a) Yellow (1 pt.)
.b) White (5 pts.)
.c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
.d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
.e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?
.a) Snow (3 pts.)
.b) Pizza (2 pts.)
.c) Sushi (1 pt.)
.d) Pasta (4 pts.)
.e) Salad (5 pts.)
8 What is your favorite holiday?
.a) Halloween (1 pt.)
.b) Christmas (3 pts.)
.c) New Year (2 pts.)
.d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
.e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
.a) Paris (4 pts)
.b) Spain (5 pts)
.c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
.d) Hawaii (4 pts)
.e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
.a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
.b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
.c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
.d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
.e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. It is very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times
(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
i'm snoopy....
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
.a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
.b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
.c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
.d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
.e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?
.a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
.b) Alternative (1 pt.)
.c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
.d) Country (5 pts.)
.e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
.a) Comedy (2 pts.)
.b) Horror (1 pt.)
.c) Musical (3 pts.)
.d) Romance (4 pts.)
.e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
.a) Waiter (4 pts.)
.b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
.c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
.e) Cashier (1 pt)
5. What do you do with your spare time?
.a) Exercise (5 pts.)
.b) Read (4 pts.)
.c) Watch television (2 pts.)
.d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
.e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
.a) Yellow (1 pt.)
.b) White (5 pts.)
.c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
.d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
.e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?
.a) Snow (3 pts.)
.b) Pizza (2 pts.)
.c) Sushi (1 pt.)
.d) Pasta (4 pts.)
.e) Salad (5 pts.)
8 What is your favorite holiday?
.a) Halloween (1 pt.)
.b) Christmas (3 pts.)
.c) New Year (2 pts.)
.d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
.e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
.a) Paris (4 pts)
.b) Spain (5 pts)
.c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
.d) Hawaii (4 pts)
.e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
.a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
.b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
.c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
.d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
.e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. It is very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times
(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
i'm snoopy....
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
stole it from someone who stole it
A-accidents:
01. Have you ever been in a car accident? a friend and i got rear ended while waiting to turn
02. Do you have a lot of scars? all over
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? yea, a few
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? a think a few
05. Have you ever had stitches? many
B - Beauty:
06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? i'm comfortable with me
07. Are you self conscious of how you look? nope
08. Do you put on a lot of make-up? again nope
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? not a chance in hell of that ever happening
10.What do you think makes a person beautiful? personality and a good sense of self
C - Consequences:
11. What was the longest amount of time you've been grounded for? 2 years, thanks mom
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i grew up without a parent, i wouldn't do that to my kids, accident or not
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? sometimes, but mostly i don't care, it all depends on who the people are
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? abandonment, i have a huge phobia of that
15. What is one thing you wish you didn't do, just because it wasn't worth it in the end? move to calgary
D - Dealing:
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? i have what my family calls silent anger, it's something most ppl should stay away from...
17. Name a time when you had to be strong: through my teens or i wouldn't be here, i was strong even in the times when i felt weak, thanks to friends and family for that
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? moms never been married, never plans to be married, so no on the divorce and all the maile figures in my life were worthless
19. When people at school don't accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? i just don't care
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? thankfully not yet
E - Experience:
21. Have you ever had a job? lots
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? yes, long story
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? by default i'm a sensitive person so i've had trouble through everything
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? been doing it since i was 17
25. How old do you act? 16ish i would say
F - Family:
26. Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to? my uncle sterling for drug use and other things and my cousin sherry cause she's a whore
.27. If you had to choose, family or friends? no choice, i love you all
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? anything
.29. Do you have any siblings? older brother, christopher james chute, 23 turning 24
30. How often do you spend 'quality time' with family members? we all have our own things going so not that much but we get together every once in a while
G - Growing:
31. How tall are you? 5'9”
32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? nope
33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? can be both
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? no, i wanna get old but at the same time i don't cause then my life will end and that will be it, the next chapter will be death....
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? in some areas yea
H - Hope:
36. Love - real or not? it's as real as people. i love you baby
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? pessimist by default
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? fate and karma play big in my life but i also drive my own destiny
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? yes, and i can't explain why
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? the love of my fiancee and family
I - Issues:
41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? have for a while now
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? not that i know of
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? i love her to death and the distance is great but we pull through the best we can for the moment, love you baby
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? not as long as my family and friends stick by me
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? used to be constantly but someone is pulling me out of it
J - Jokes:
46. Are you usually the one making people laugh, or the other way around? depends
47. Do you cry when you laugh hard? not really, my eyes water
49. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? i never really did anything in class except keep to myself
K - Knowledge:
50. The purpose of school: to prepare us for modern day life
51. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? i'm a genius in my dumbass ways is a fav quote that adam and i thought up when in calgary
52. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark)? not sure anymore
53. What was your last average? again not sure
54. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? ART
L - Love:
55. Are you currently in love? absolutly
56. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? yes
57. Is love worth it? in this case, till i die
58. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they 'love' someone that they've been dating for a few weeks? unless you know for a fact that you feel it, it shouldn't be said
59. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? only if i feel it ^^^
M - Money:
60. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? sadly...
61. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? i don't care, moms was a single mother raising two boys on her own, we did alright
62. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? no i'm saving to move
63. Would you rather win millions of dollars and be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry and start a family with? i'd rather have the love of my life thank you very much
64. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? 2
N - Naughty:
65. Are you a virgin? no
66. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you're not going out with? i've had enough of it
67. Do you know anybody you consider a slut? not at the moment, i have a reputation tho
68. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? i wouldn't erase anything or change anything, whats happend made me me
69. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? depends
O - Openness:
70. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? i'm a very paranoid person so i don't trust no one until they earn my trust and that takes a while
71. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? time and effort
72. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? past, present and probably future
73. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? the time was right for us, we waited long enough
74. When it comes to parents and close friends, what's the limit of what you can tell them? anything to a point
P - Positive:
75. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn't necessarily end positivetly? all the time
76. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? for those who have loved and lost, they know the pain, for those who havn't they will find out
77. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? pessimistic by default like a few questions back
78. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? something good that came out of something that could have been bad is happening in my life as we speak... and will continue until i die
79. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? i'm not sure
Q - Questions:
80. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? could go either way
81. Do you often question the world and how we came about? everytime i step outside into reality
82. Do you think the government is truthful? not a chance in hell
83. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? depends on how the situation is
84. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? idiocy
R - Respect:
85. How do you show respect? by always telling my friends and family whats on my mind no questions asked and just being there for them
86. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? hurting my friend/family, trying to steal what is mine, belittling ppl, any number of things
87. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? mom and grandma definatly, others can go to hell unless they show me the proper respect back. it goes both ways
88. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? i get yelled at alot
89. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? my mind is a little too viscious for it's own good sometimes
S - School:
90. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? nothing
91. When will you graduate high school? i got kicked out for calling the principal the "c" word 92. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? worked and moved alot
93. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? i hate school and thats all i'm saying
94. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? i've already answered that one
T - Temptation:
95. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? yes
96. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? not really
97. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? a long time ago, cause i was stupid
98. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn't really know or love? What did you end up doing? i've done too many things that are sexual that i can't remember them all
99. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? i can hold my own
U - Unique:
100. Would you rather blend in with the crowd or stand out? i blend even if i don't want to, but if anyone gets to know me i don't blend that well in my head
101. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? nope
102. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? i wear whats comfortable
103. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? nope
104. What makes you different from people your age? i'm me and they are themselves
V - Value:
105. What's the most expensive thing in your room? my 2 x-boxes and my cds
106. Would you sacrifice your life for other people? steph, most definatly, moms, most definatly, chris, yes, adam, yes, bob, yes, sean, yes
107. What is something you value not because it costs a lot, but because it means a lot to you? my pictures of steph cause they get me through the hard times when i miss her to much
108. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the one thing you would want to save? cds and both x-boxes
109. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could happen? then the future? some parts i wish i could forget, others make me think.
W - Wishes:
110. If you had three wishes, what would they be? to be with steph everyday, to have the money to pay for her schooling and for my mother to go to africa before she dies and doesn't have the chance to
111. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? i wish both, my loved ones to be happy in what they do and me to be happy knowing that they are alright and secure
112. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? depends on my mood
113. Have you ever had a wish come true? ones coming true as we speak, again i love you baby
114. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that's meant to happen, will happen? not everything that is meant to happen will happen, you need to work on them, just like your dreams and wishes
X - Xanga: Xanga (IPA: [zæŋgə]) is a website that hosts weblogs, photoblogs, and social networking profiles. It is operated by Xanga.com, Inc., based in New York City, USA.Y -
You:
115. Are you more independent or social? independant by default of paranoia of new people
116. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? certain things i see on blogs here and there, feeling useless, stuff like that
117. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? everyone does, they just need to work on it
118. What kind of person would you be if you didn't have guidance from family members, God, teachers, etc.? dead
119. Do you think people are generally good? they can be, but everyone has a vindictive side to them
Z - Zest:
120. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? at times, but then i get down
121. Are you more outgoing, ready for anything, or boring and shy? i can be any of those, depends on the situatuon
122. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? people change everyday
123. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? i like to try new things but i also like to keep my circle of friends small enough to be ok with
124. What is the most motivational thing in the world? the love of my fiancee
01. Have you ever been in a car accident? a friend and i got rear ended while waiting to turn
02. Do you have a lot of scars? all over
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? yea, a few
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? a think a few
05. Have you ever had stitches? many
B - Beauty:
06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? i'm comfortable with me
07. Are you self conscious of how you look? nope
08. Do you put on a lot of make-up? again nope
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? not a chance in hell of that ever happening
10.What do you think makes a person beautiful? personality and a good sense of self
C - Consequences:
11. What was the longest amount of time you've been grounded for? 2 years, thanks mom
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i grew up without a parent, i wouldn't do that to my kids, accident or not
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? sometimes, but mostly i don't care, it all depends on who the people are
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? abandonment, i have a huge phobia of that
15. What is one thing you wish you didn't do, just because it wasn't worth it in the end? move to calgary
D - Dealing:
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? i have what my family calls silent anger, it's something most ppl should stay away from...
17. Name a time when you had to be strong: through my teens or i wouldn't be here, i was strong even in the times when i felt weak, thanks to friends and family for that
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? moms never been married, never plans to be married, so no on the divorce and all the maile figures in my life were worthless
19. When people at school don't accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? i just don't care
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? thankfully not yet
E - Experience:
21. Have you ever had a job? lots
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? yes, long story
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? by default i'm a sensitive person so i've had trouble through everything
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? been doing it since i was 17
25. How old do you act? 16ish i would say
F - Family:
26. Is there anyone in your family you don't talk to? my uncle sterling for drug use and other things and my cousin sherry cause she's a whore
.27. If you had to choose, family or friends? no choice, i love you all
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? anything
.29. Do you have any siblings? older brother, christopher james chute, 23 turning 24
30. How often do you spend 'quality time' with family members? we all have our own things going so not that much but we get together every once in a while
G - Growing:
31. How tall are you? 5'9”
32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? nope
33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? can be both
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? no, i wanna get old but at the same time i don't cause then my life will end and that will be it, the next chapter will be death....
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? in some areas yea
H - Hope:
36. Love - real or not? it's as real as people. i love you baby
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? pessimist by default
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? fate and karma play big in my life but i also drive my own destiny
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? yes, and i can't explain why
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? the love of my fiancee and family
I - Issues:
41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? have for a while now
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? not that i know of
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? i love her to death and the distance is great but we pull through the best we can for the moment, love you baby
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? not as long as my family and friends stick by me
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? used to be constantly but someone is pulling me out of it
J - Jokes:
46. Are you usually the one making people laugh, or the other way around? depends
47. Do you cry when you laugh hard? not really, my eyes water
49. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? i never really did anything in class except keep to myself
K - Knowledge:
50. The purpose of school: to prepare us for modern day life
51. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? i'm a genius in my dumbass ways is a fav quote that adam and i thought up when in calgary
52. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark)? not sure anymore
53. What was your last average? again not sure
54. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? ART
L - Love:
55. Are you currently in love? absolutly
56. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? yes
57. Is love worth it? in this case, till i die
58. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they 'love' someone that they've been dating for a few weeks? unless you know for a fact that you feel it, it shouldn't be said
59. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? only if i feel it ^^^
M - Money:
60. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? sadly...
61. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? i don't care, moms was a single mother raising two boys on her own, we did alright
62. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? no i'm saving to move
63. Would you rather win millions of dollars and be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry and start a family with? i'd rather have the love of my life thank you very much
64. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? 2
N - Naughty:
65. Are you a virgin? no
66. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you're not going out with? i've had enough of it
67. Do you know anybody you consider a slut? not at the moment, i have a reputation tho
68. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? i wouldn't erase anything or change anything, whats happend made me me
69. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? depends
O - Openness:
70. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? i'm a very paranoid person so i don't trust no one until they earn my trust and that takes a while
71. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? time and effort
72. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? past, present and probably future
73. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? the time was right for us, we waited long enough
74. When it comes to parents and close friends, what's the limit of what you can tell them? anything to a point
P - Positive:
75. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn't necessarily end positivetly? all the time
76. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? for those who have loved and lost, they know the pain, for those who havn't they will find out
77. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? pessimistic by default like a few questions back
78. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? something good that came out of something that could have been bad is happening in my life as we speak... and will continue until i die
79. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? i'm not sure
Q - Questions:
80. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? could go either way
81. Do you often question the world and how we came about? everytime i step outside into reality
82. Do you think the government is truthful? not a chance in hell
83. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? depends on how the situation is
84. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? idiocy
R - Respect:
85. How do you show respect? by always telling my friends and family whats on my mind no questions asked and just being there for them
86. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? hurting my friend/family, trying to steal what is mine, belittling ppl, any number of things
87. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? mom and grandma definatly, others can go to hell unless they show me the proper respect back. it goes both ways
88. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? i get yelled at alot
89. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? my mind is a little too viscious for it's own good sometimes
S - School:
90. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? nothing
91. When will you graduate high school? i got kicked out for calling the principal the "c" word 92. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? worked and moved alot
93. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? i hate school and thats all i'm saying
94. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? i've already answered that one
T - Temptation:
95. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? yes
96. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? not really
97. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? a long time ago, cause i was stupid
98. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn't really know or love? What did you end up doing? i've done too many things that are sexual that i can't remember them all
99. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? i can hold my own
U - Unique:
100. Would you rather blend in with the crowd or stand out? i blend even if i don't want to, but if anyone gets to know me i don't blend that well in my head
101. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? nope
102. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? i wear whats comfortable
103. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? nope
104. What makes you different from people your age? i'm me and they are themselves
V - Value:
105. What's the most expensive thing in your room? my 2 x-boxes and my cds
106. Would you sacrifice your life for other people? steph, most definatly, moms, most definatly, chris, yes, adam, yes, bob, yes, sean, yes
107. What is something you value not because it costs a lot, but because it means a lot to you? my pictures of steph cause they get me through the hard times when i miss her to much
108. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the one thing you would want to save? cds and both x-boxes
109. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could happen? then the future? some parts i wish i could forget, others make me think.
W - Wishes:
110. If you had three wishes, what would they be? to be with steph everyday, to have the money to pay for her schooling and for my mother to go to africa before she dies and doesn't have the chance to
111. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? i wish both, my loved ones to be happy in what they do and me to be happy knowing that they are alright and secure
112. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? depends on my mood
113. Have you ever had a wish come true? ones coming true as we speak, again i love you baby
114. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that's meant to happen, will happen? not everything that is meant to happen will happen, you need to work on them, just like your dreams and wishes
X - Xanga: Xanga (IPA: [zæŋgə]) is a website that hosts weblogs, photoblogs, and social networking profiles. It is operated by Xanga.com, Inc., based in New York City, USA.Y -
You:
115. Are you more independent or social? independant by default of paranoia of new people
116. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? certain things i see on blogs here and there, feeling useless, stuff like that
117. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? everyone does, they just need to work on it
118. What kind of person would you be if you didn't have guidance from family members, God, teachers, etc.? dead
119. Do you think people are generally good? they can be, but everyone has a vindictive side to them
Z - Zest:
120. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? at times, but then i get down
121. Are you more outgoing, ready for anything, or boring and shy? i can be any of those, depends on the situatuon
122. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? people change everyday
123. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? i like to try new things but i also like to keep my circle of friends small enough to be ok with
124. What is the most motivational thing in the world? the love of my fiancee
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
**These Lines**-Andrew C.
"The Lines"
Can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
can these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
now through the window we see it's raining
and we're stuck inside
our days just passing us by
we've played all our games
still outside it rains.
there's nothing on the television
our lives are slipping
can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
cna these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
with articulation we follow through
on all the things we never promised to do
and some how we've pulled through everything
not a scratch on you
everything piled on me
still outside it pours.
and we stay inside closed doors
inside where the heat keeps us warm
no water to soak our bones
inside where the walls are speaking,
always with the wind, creaking.
still outside it pours.
and we're trapped indoors
can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
can these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
each drop is something, everything more
the lies that we hold indoors
all the things we try not to say
thats what it's raining
each drop a broken promise,
a life of everything without you,
the lies i hid from every ones view,
now they're pouring down around us.
cand your eyes, your eyes
ever forgive this fool?
can your heart, your heart
ever forgive this fool too?
cause my heart pains for the rain
at least then you'd see
everything we hold back
everything that pains me
and in this prison we live in,
the doors locks will be opened
then maybe we can be free
Andrew C.
Can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
can these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
now through the window we see it's raining
and we're stuck inside
our days just passing us by
we've played all our games
still outside it rains.
there's nothing on the television
our lives are slipping
can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
cna these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
with articulation we follow through
on all the things we never promised to do
and some how we've pulled through everything
not a scratch on you
everything piled on me
still outside it pours.
and we stay inside closed doors
inside where the heat keeps us warm
no water to soak our bones
inside where the walls are speaking,
always with the wind, creaking.
still outside it pours.
and we're trapped indoors
can these lies, these lies
wait out these lines?
can these lies, these lies
wait out our lives?
each drop is something, everything more
the lies that we hold indoors
all the things we try not to say
thats what it's raining
each drop a broken promise,
a life of everything without you,
the lies i hid from every ones view,
now they're pouring down around us.
cand your eyes, your eyes
ever forgive this fool?
can your heart, your heart
ever forgive this fool too?
cause my heart pains for the rain
at least then you'd see
everything we hold back
everything that pains me
and in this prison we live in,
the doors locks will be opened
then maybe we can be free
Andrew C.
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