Surrender by billy talent

check it out.

An update...

well lets see, i should prolly put something relevent on this thing. poetry is good, but if you don't know me then you wouldn't be able to decifer what they are all about.

things have been rocky for me. lots of inner turmoil, fights with my own thoughts. possiblities of losing a job that just isn't worth the bullshit that i have to put up with anyway. umm, lets see, my mothers boyfriend has to close his shop (he owns his own body shop on Quadra) in june cause it's killing him, literally. she's got to find a job and wants me to come over and make up a cover letter for her resume, side note, baby we should go over there and visit soon.

Trista and Eric, my roommates for those who don't know, seem to be doing thier own thing. trista left Wendy's the other day, stupid place is a fucking gong show anyway.

FINGER ELEVEN ON THE 13th, and i get to see them for the first time with the most special person, the most beauftul person i know. it'll be a long trip down there, at least i think so since i don't usually get up until around 1230-1ish, we have to be up and possibly on the bus by 9 in the morning to get there at a half decent time. it should be fun and interesting.

oh how times change. it's almost a year and i can't believe how time flies. we've had our up times and thank god they out number the bad times. i love you and always will. you have been there for me through the worst of times, always having my back when everyone else seems to be giving up on me, i love you for that. i know that it seems like i'm a frustrated, over exposed, self possessed asshole sometimes, at least thats what i feel like and you put up with me still, i will never find another person like you and i'm ever grateful that we have each other. 5 LOOOOONG years of friendship and one SHORT year of relationship, the times have changed and the one constant is you. I LOVE YOU BABY.

i think that might be it. i can't really think of anything else to put on here. it's 8:52 in the am. i've been woken by my teeth again... but thats ok, just means i can acctually enjoy a day.

Untitled

I'm breathing in the breakdown
watch as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the tides pull me in every way
taking me further and further away.
i'll scream for help but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i fucked us up the most
and i'm sorry...

i'm breathing in my own poison
taking the syringe and sticking it in.
my veins are pumping
my diseased blood is flowing through
making me feel the ways i do.
i'll scream out for you but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i had you back
and i'm sorry...

this is taking everything out of me
i feel so useless, so incomplete
my shell of skin is breaking
leaving the underside exposed.
but my heart is still out on my sleeve
crying out for what i need.
so i'll scream out for you with it but,
will you answer my our calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i could relax
and i'm sorry...

i'm breathing in the breakdown
watch me as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the wind pulls me away.
cause i'm falling from our great height
calling out to you but,
will you answer my calls
cause in everything else i had
i just wanted you.
and i'm sorry

20?

I'll watch as the heavens turn to fire
Closed eyed and challenging the words,
Short of breath but still clinging to something
Twenty questions to ask the sky
Why do you wish that you were home?
The rain hasn't been so bad.
Washing away everything i wish to forget
Can't blame it.
Why would you wanna fill the ground with pain?
The rain is acid on my skin.
Burning in every memory
Can't blame it.

I'm helpless to the feelings inside
They well up and then, SURPRISE!
I'm fake in all the right places
But my hands are soft
Asking god twenty questions
Why is it we're all alone?
Cause in the end i wanna be loved.
But i know i'll be alone
Can't blame me.
Why is it we're just like you, but fools?
Knowing this will give me peace.
But i hear nothing in my dreams
Can't blame me.

My eyes roll back in my head
The air in my lungs is spent
Short breaths now, i still have something to say
Twenty questions on why i feel this way
Why is it so cold?
When i feel all alone.
Cause i'm afraid of the things in my head
Can't blame me.
Why do i feel so numb?
Death isn't home.
So i'll lay here slowly loosing breath
Cause i can't blame death.
I wouldn't want me either.

Andrew C.

beating a fear of someone elses death...

"Rough Eyes"

Can't pin poin the moment when i felt this bad
Time takes away all i had.
I've been broken, repaired and now i'm failing
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.

I've been left in the dust
Body covered and shoved in the freezer.
Outside my grave is being dug
The earth will be my blanket.
And I can't stand it.

Can't pin point a moment in time
When all the things i had were right.
I've been wasted, treated and down the road again
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.

I've been coveted and loved,
Hurt and broken,
Wasted and treated.
I can see my end...
And I can't stand it.

But being that I am who I am
Cursed with the gift of man.
Humanity feeds the violence inside my brain
Pushing me to do this all over again.
I can't stand.

Now I can see the fires
My everything burning away.
I hear what she always said now, whispering
"I was the only thing you had"
And i can't stand it.

So watch as my hands bleed
From cuts far beneath the skin.
'Cause i'm ready for this
Ready to give in.
I can finally stand what i've become.

I am my own skin.

Andrew C.

new poem....

"Save me... I'm Giving In"

i need to hear your voice
soothe me into memory
cause the world looks bleak
and i'm sinking in

i need to see your eyes
so i can steal myself away
when everything gets too heavy
and my shoulders feel like lead

come and save me..

i need your touch
the soft feeling on my skin, like silk
cause everything is too much
and i'm sinking in

and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side

come and save me..

tomorrow seems too far away
and time seems to stand still
i can't see that far ahead
cause tomorrow is always the hardest

no one seems to be alive
walking in the shelter of thier lives
it seems i'm the only one that feels it
broken in on all sides

come and save me...

i need your touch
this shit i go through is too much
and you're my angel
my saving grace

i need your laugh
to fill my heart inside
cause i can feel it turning black
i can feel my feelings die

and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side

come and save me..
come and save..
come and save me..
before i give in.

Andrew C.

just a little story

The wind was chilled and to my back as i walked down the street. you could smell the freshness of a new fallen rain in the air. my thoughts wieghed heavy on my shoulders, tonight would be a good night to sort them out. i feel into a queer silence as i walked the dark streets and narrow allys of my new found "home". the nightcrawlers coming out of the wood work asking me if i could spare change or wanted to get high. this was the place i moved to? this is the place that was supposed to be better then home? these thoughts running rampant in my head.

I lived most of my childhood in a small town. Perth, Ontario. birthplace and if i get my way, final resting place. my mother decided at the tender age of ten that we needed to move. so we sold most of our most prized possesions and picked up. we came to land on Vancouver Island. a nice place but not what i would call home, at least not yet. i spent the majority of my teen years being silent and un noticed in jr. high and high school. don't get me wrong i had my friends, but we were a tight nit group of people. After a few years some of us drifted away. moved onto new places and new people. it was a hard time for me.

i was one of those to move. after doing a few things i shouldn't have done in my town, i left. didn't think of who i was leaving behind, just like before when we moved across cananda, i picked up my things and left. i went to edmonton. not much of a place, dirty streets and restless cowboys surrounded me everywhere i went. so i moved once more to calgary, here i had at least one friend, my best friend. Jason let me stay with him for awhile and we eventually moved into our own place. there we got into the drinking heavily. the nights passed by us as we wallowed them away in drunken stupor after drunken stupor. numerous people just drifting in and out of our lives and home. we would rock out to heavy metal and thrash the place, wake up the next day and clean. just to do it again. life was simple.... it seemed.

jason and i got into an arguement about this thing or that, i'm not really sure anymore. i decided it was time for one of us to leave and nominated myself. so once again i picked my things up and left. i said my good byes this time, learning for past expierences that you should always do this, and walked out of calgary lifestyle. fate as it would seem call my brother, Johnathan, to my side this time. offering a place to stay and a job as soon as i get there, i pointed my compas north and retreated to family i was not sure i was familliar with anymore. turns out i was right.

things went well in grande prairie for a while. i got my job working at mac dicks for 9 bucks an hour. johnny was getting me heavy into pot smoking, so i would spend most of my time, not in a drunken stupor but stoned out of my gore. the time passed slowly then. things were more adept. i learned to live with my poisons. even if one of them is me. i met a few people through work that seemed alright. more outside of work that seemed even better. but life would take me somewhere soon that i wasn't prepared to go.

i was having troubles dealing with a few things in my life at this point. break ups, missing old friends and my general depressions thats been kicking around since i was sixteen. i lived in a haze of smoke. never thinking past the moment. never careing where i was going to end up. then one night i would come home to see two of my friends sitting at my table with my brother. things started to get heated and i tried to leave before anythings stupid that might break and already unsteady relationship. but to no avail. i was thrown around, smashed against things, told what to do and how to do them. johnny was asuming his "father" role. he had heard some rumors that i was doing a drug that shouldn't be done. this was not true. so i left again.

i came home...

then left again...

to be continued.....

Andrew C.