let's not talk about it...

"a look inside"

nothing in me seems new
every feeling is used
the voices in my head say everythings ok
i ask them then why do i feel this way
never knowing when my time is up
i always feel so crushed
bruises turn into scars
my minds not what it used to be
everything is bleak
i'm surrounded by shadows
and every word you speak is a killing blow

patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.

when the thin clouds seem to disperse
dreary eyed and sleepy, i'll turn
living my nightmares
never my dreams
the rains never seem to cease
so my clouds will never disperse
i'm trapped in my own mind
not letting me out

patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.

till death bed i'll sleep on the couch
the walls and bed feel like prisons
speaking hurtful things in the night
bare walls seem safer
never a story to tell
but as the sun goes down
i still see no sleep
my weary eyes are tired and sore
but my mind races
never tiring out

patience is never aloud
my mind is racing around
turning words into sharp pins
then imaginary fingers stick them in
never a forgiving thought
i'm everything i'm not.

Andrew C.

Surrender by billy talent

check it out.

An update...

well lets see, i should prolly put something relevent on this thing. poetry is good, but if you don't know me then you wouldn't be able to decifer what they are all about.

things have been rocky for me. lots of inner turmoil, fights with my own thoughts. possiblities of losing a job that just isn't worth the bullshit that i have to put up with anyway. umm, lets see, my mothers boyfriend has to close his shop (he owns his own body shop on Quadra) in june cause it's killing him, literally. she's got to find a job and wants me to come over and make up a cover letter for her resume, side note, baby we should go over there and visit soon.

Trista and Eric, my roommates for those who don't know, seem to be doing thier own thing. trista left Wendy's the other day, stupid place is a fucking gong show anyway.

FINGER ELEVEN ON THE 13th, and i get to see them for the first time with the most special person, the most beauftul person i know. it'll be a long trip down there, at least i think so since i don't usually get up until around 1230-1ish, we have to be up and possibly on the bus by 9 in the morning to get there at a half decent time. it should be fun and interesting.

oh how times change. it's almost a year and i can't believe how time flies. we've had our up times and thank god they out number the bad times. i love you and always will. you have been there for me through the worst of times, always having my back when everyone else seems to be giving up on me, i love you for that. i know that it seems like i'm a frustrated, over exposed, self possessed asshole sometimes, at least thats what i feel like and you put up with me still, i will never find another person like you and i'm ever grateful that we have each other. 5 LOOOOONG years of friendship and one SHORT year of relationship, the times have changed and the one constant is you. I LOVE YOU BABY.

i think that might be it. i can't really think of anything else to put on here. it's 8:52 in the am. i've been woken by my teeth again... but thats ok, just means i can acctually enjoy a day.

Untitled

I'm breathing in the breakdown
watch as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the tides pull me in every way
taking me further and further away.
i'll scream for help but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i fucked us up the most
and i'm sorry...

i'm breathing in my own poison
taking the syringe and sticking it in.
my veins are pumping
my diseased blood is flowing through
making me feel the ways i do.
i'll scream out for you but,
will you answer my calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i had you back
and i'm sorry...

this is taking everything out of me
i feel so useless, so incomplete
my shell of skin is breaking
leaving the underside exposed.
but my heart is still out on my sleeve
crying out for what i need.
so i'll scream out for you with it but,
will you answer my our calls?
cause in everything else i had
i wish i could relax
and i'm sorry...

i'm breathing in the breakdown
watch me as i fall with my eyes shut now.
the wind pulls me away.
cause i'm falling from our great height
calling out to you but,
will you answer my calls
cause in everything else i had
i just wanted you.
and i'm sorry

20?

I'll watch as the heavens turn to fire
Closed eyed and challenging the words,
Short of breath but still clinging to something
Twenty questions to ask the sky
Why do you wish that you were home?
The rain hasn't been so bad.
Washing away everything i wish to forget
Can't blame it.
Why would you wanna fill the ground with pain?
The rain is acid on my skin.
Burning in every memory
Can't blame it.

I'm helpless to the feelings inside
They well up and then, SURPRISE!
I'm fake in all the right places
But my hands are soft
Asking god twenty questions
Why is it we're all alone?
Cause in the end i wanna be loved.
But i know i'll be alone
Can't blame me.
Why is it we're just like you, but fools?
Knowing this will give me peace.
But i hear nothing in my dreams
Can't blame me.

My eyes roll back in my head
The air in my lungs is spent
Short breaths now, i still have something to say
Twenty questions on why i feel this way
Why is it so cold?
When i feel all alone.
Cause i'm afraid of the things in my head
Can't blame me.
Why do i feel so numb?
Death isn't home.
So i'll lay here slowly loosing breath
Cause i can't blame death.
I wouldn't want me either.

Andrew C.

beating a fear of someone elses death...

"Rough Eyes"

Can't pin poin the moment when i felt this bad
Time takes away all i had.
I've been broken, repaired and now i'm failing
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.

I've been left in the dust
Body covered and shoved in the freezer.
Outside my grave is being dug
The earth will be my blanket.
And I can't stand it.

Can't pin point a moment in time
When all the things i had were right.
I've been wasted, treated and down the road again
Taking my life for granted.
I can't stand.

I've been coveted and loved,
Hurt and broken,
Wasted and treated.
I can see my end...
And I can't stand it.

But being that I am who I am
Cursed with the gift of man.
Humanity feeds the violence inside my brain
Pushing me to do this all over again.
I can't stand.

Now I can see the fires
My everything burning away.
I hear what she always said now, whispering
"I was the only thing you had"
And i can't stand it.

So watch as my hands bleed
From cuts far beneath the skin.
'Cause i'm ready for this
Ready to give in.
I can finally stand what i've become.

I am my own skin.

Andrew C.

new poem....

"Save me... I'm Giving In"

i need to hear your voice
soothe me into memory
cause the world looks bleak
and i'm sinking in

i need to see your eyes
so i can steal myself away
when everything gets too heavy
and my shoulders feel like lead

come and save me..

i need your touch
the soft feeling on my skin, like silk
cause everything is too much
and i'm sinking in

and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side

come and save me..

tomorrow seems too far away
and time seems to stand still
i can't see that far ahead
cause tomorrow is always the hardest

no one seems to be alive
walking in the shelter of thier lives
it seems i'm the only one that feels it
broken in on all sides

come and save me...

i need your touch
this shit i go through is too much
and you're my angel
my saving grace

i need your laugh
to fill my heart inside
cause i can feel it turning black
i can feel my feelings die

and when your whispers save me
i come back alive
cause you were always there for me
my angel, never leaving my side

come and save me..
come and save..
come and save me..
before i give in.

Andrew C.