how tables turn

once in a blue moon something good happens

once in a blue moon something awesome happens

today isn't that day

i'm sick of being lost in my own thoughts. i've more stress and unhappiness building in me then anything else. i should be happy, i have a wonderful girl that loves me, she's willing to marry me for christ sake. i have a family that loves me, even if we are disfunctional once in a while. i have friends by the dozen, but it seems that when i need them most i get thrown aside for the flavour of the week.

once in a blue moon something horrible happens
it changes your life for better or worse. it's a learning tool i know this, but why does the tools not help me with the job at hand. being lost in thoughts that can't seem to break away from the bullshit i see and hear everyday.

I've been told that i'm a nice guy, a shy guy even lovable. i've been told that i'm an ass, a bastard, a retard and almost everything else you can say to put someone down. these things don't seem to effect me, but fucking with my life does. all my life this has been happening. i've had ruined birthdays, christmases and all those other days that you're supposed to feel loved, i've been dumped on. so i ask myself, how the hell am i still here? i know that my family and friends will miss me and mourn my passing, if i should have choosen that way to go (and yes i've tried many times and been proven that my friends and family love me, many times). the other question is; why do i stay in places where i am only going to feel this way. self destructive and all that jazz... my memories are burned with all the bad times, never once in my mind can i picture a time in my teens, childhood or other that there hasn't been some sort of destructive force pulling me towards it, trying to capture me and pull me down.

anyway these are just thoughts in my head from a time when i was down.....