just a little story

The wind was chilled and to my back as i walked down the street. you could smell the freshness of a new fallen rain in the air. my thoughts wieghed heavy on my shoulders, tonight would be a good night to sort them out. i feel into a queer silence as i walked the dark streets and narrow allys of my new found "home". the nightcrawlers coming out of the wood work asking me if i could spare change or wanted to get high. this was the place i moved to? this is the place that was supposed to be better then home? these thoughts running rampant in my head.

I lived most of my childhood in a small town. Perth, Ontario. birthplace and if i get my way, final resting place. my mother decided at the tender age of ten that we needed to move. so we sold most of our most prized possesions and picked up. we came to land on Vancouver Island. a nice place but not what i would call home, at least not yet. i spent the majority of my teen years being silent and un noticed in jr. high and high school. don't get me wrong i had my friends, but we were a tight nit group of people. After a few years some of us drifted away. moved onto new places and new people. it was a hard time for me.

i was one of those to move. after doing a few things i shouldn't have done in my town, i left. didn't think of who i was leaving behind, just like before when we moved across cananda, i picked up my things and left. i went to edmonton. not much of a place, dirty streets and restless cowboys surrounded me everywhere i went. so i moved once more to calgary, here i had at least one friend, my best friend. Jason let me stay with him for awhile and we eventually moved into our own place. there we got into the drinking heavily. the nights passed by us as we wallowed them away in drunken stupor after drunken stupor. numerous people just drifting in and out of our lives and home. we would rock out to heavy metal and thrash the place, wake up the next day and clean. just to do it again. life was simple.... it seemed.

jason and i got into an arguement about this thing or that, i'm not really sure anymore. i decided it was time for one of us to leave and nominated myself. so once again i picked my things up and left. i said my good byes this time, learning for past expierences that you should always do this, and walked out of calgary lifestyle. fate as it would seem call my brother, Johnathan, to my side this time. offering a place to stay and a job as soon as i get there, i pointed my compas north and retreated to family i was not sure i was familliar with anymore. turns out i was right.

things went well in grande prairie for a while. i got my job working at mac dicks for 9 bucks an hour. johnny was getting me heavy into pot smoking, so i would spend most of my time, not in a drunken stupor but stoned out of my gore. the time passed slowly then. things were more adept. i learned to live with my poisons. even if one of them is me. i met a few people through work that seemed alright. more outside of work that seemed even better. but life would take me somewhere soon that i wasn't prepared to go.

i was having troubles dealing with a few things in my life at this point. break ups, missing old friends and my general depressions thats been kicking around since i was sixteen. i lived in a haze of smoke. never thinking past the moment. never careing where i was going to end up. then one night i would come home to see two of my friends sitting at my table with my brother. things started to get heated and i tried to leave before anythings stupid that might break and already unsteady relationship. but to no avail. i was thrown around, smashed against things, told what to do and how to do them. johnny was asuming his "father" role. he had heard some rumors that i was doing a drug that shouldn't be done. this was not true. so i left again.

i came home...

then left again...

to be continued.....

Andrew C.

Letting the stress go.

"never going home"

can't help but think somethings wrong
i'm from here but this isn't home
the house i lived in feels so cold
the walls look old and bare
my childhood no longer displayed here
this child has grown

another chapter in the book is written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...

bad dreams were my plauge
as i slept rarely in my bed
these walls were no comfort then
they still seem the same
i used to hear my mother screaming
so clear through the bare walls
and as he grunted
i could hear the broken legs.

another chapter has been written
the end not far from near
cause after all i've given
my time will disappear...
but fear not for me, the unforgiven
i trust that i'll go silently
cause after all i've witnessed
there is no more of me...

i left this house at seventeen
never looking back
i moved so far away from here
but can still hear the sounds
the screams and grunts
the long nights awake
i fear no death that could come to me
cause i'm ashamed of never going back.

another chapter has been written
the end has come too near
cause after all i've given
my time has disappeared...

Andrew C.

crushed velvet and living handrails

i guess i should update this thing shouldn't i. well it's easter. another holiday for ppl who love holidays. another day for children to get wasted on sugar and run around like lunatics. i hate holidays. but on the other hand today is the celebration of a greater day then any other in my mind. today we celebrated our 1 year (although it's next month on the 14th). we made it that far......

so what else is new with me... hmmm, let me see. i'm in nanaimo at the moment if the first part of this didn't click in and tell you that. i've been here for at least two days thus far and it's been the best two days of my life. with all the happiness i feel i can't help but think of whats going on back home in CR. i know for a fact that when i return summer hours for joey's only will be starting and i will be working 6 days a week for 4 hours. getting paid only 8 an hr. boss doesn't pay me enough for this shit.

i was talking with one of my relatives today. he told me something that made me kinda of think about who i was, and where i would be if it weren't for steph. one of my cousins, whos no more then 15 O.Ded on a cocktail of perscription drugs, i guess she's fine and all only having to stay in the hospital and prolly got her stomach pumped. but if she could do that on perscription drugs what would have happend to me if i got into the "real" drugs more then i was. would i have been so lucky as to survive such an ordeal? would there have been people there that could help me get to a hospital? would they even care to do that much?. as for who i was, i definatly wasn't myself. i spent most of my time in my house, MY ROOM to be exact, smoking dope or dropping this pill down my throat and sticking the powder from this pill up my nose. i'll say this in my defense tho, it's been almost 2 years since the last time i took a pill. in any way. i almost lost so many of my ol' highschool friends cause i changed into someone that just didn't care anymore as long as i had that magic pill. it took steph getting pissed off at me and not talking to me for a few months to make me realize what i was doing. i was ruining myself and my relationship with all those that i really cared about. so i stopped, moved away from where i was living and now i have to deal with the fact that sooner or later one of my family could follow me in my footsteps, well not in the most direct way tho.

anyway this is depressing me and today is supposed to be a happy day so i think i'm going to leave here and run into the arms of my beautiful angel. i love you baby

A.C.M.

What If?

"What If?"

i look at all the pictures i have of you
wondering if you feel the way i do
cause time is a thing to fickle for us to play
it eats away at us everyday
and the pain on our faces becomes more evident
when everything we thought was good, wasn't
we watch as our hearts become divided
all the fears that we have becoming excited
it eats away at us every minute of everyday
and i watch as your tears fall

i look at all the pictures i have of you
smiling and laughing, having fun being you
think i think of all the things i said
they eat away at my head
but my dreams of you are a kaleidoscope of beauty
even the ones where you leave me
cause in all that we have
in all that we were
i'll have pictures to remember you

and if time eats away too much of me
so much that theres nothing to see
i'll become everything you want of me
cause i'll only be a memory
so, what if we had our time to be happy again?
so, what if i could do everything you want of me?
would i leave heaven to be with you again?
would i give my life to be beside you again?
what if i said...
yes?

Andrew C.

nameless

watch me fall to my knees
twisted legs can't hold me
deep inside i bleed
and my life seems lonly
so as i crash again and again
into walls built to hold me in
i release a scream so wicked,
that i hardly make a sound
i'm thrown through tortures
left bloody and bruised
as i watch my scream gets wasted
and i end up used
watch as my life takes a dive
another into shollow water
and listen as bones crack and break
shattered into the tissue
if i seem so lonely
if i seem so afraid
it's only cause i'm fading.
already ready to break.

Andrew C.

passion miss spelled as entrapment

"beautiful"- Sevendust

200 miles per hour
that's how fast i seem to go

with the weight of the world on my shoulders
slow down, come and catch us all

WAIT!
slow down!
Take!
slow down!
why can't you help me?
slow down!

feel
when i'm in doubt

i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb

downward spiral, a kaleidoscope view
is what you're seeing saying so jaded
the picture i drew

come again, come again, come again!
wait!
take!
wait!
why can't you help me?

wait!
take!
wait!
take!

feel when i'm in doubt
feel when i'm in doubt

i need something beautiful
to fill the spaces we've taken up
i need something to feel real
again before i go numb

are you alive?

are you alive?
i'm alive
when i'm in doubt
i'm alive.

this song really has no bearing on what is going on in my life right now, but at times it strikes me as a way to escape somethings that bother me. it helps me to forget bad times passed andwill persue to do it in the future. i love sevendust and i am glad to have "re-discovered" this song at the time that i did. my thoughts are clear again, i know what i must do. so now it's up to me to do it.

Andrew C.

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
.a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
.b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
.c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
.d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
.e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
.a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
.b) Alternative (1 pt.)
.c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
.d) Country (5 pts.)
.e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
.a) Comedy (2 pts.)
.b) Horror (1 pt.)
.c) Musical (3 pts.)
.d) Romance (4 pts.)
.e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
.a) Waiter (4 pts.)
.b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
.c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
.e) Cashier (1 pt)

5. What do you do with your spare time?
.a) Exercise (5 pts.)
.b) Read (4 pts.)
.c) Watch television (2 pts.)
.d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
.e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
.a) Yellow (1 pt.)
.b) White (5 pts.)
.c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
.d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
.e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
.a) Snow (3 pts.)
.b) Pizza (2 pts.)
.c) Sushi (1 pt.)
.d) Pasta (4 pts.)
.e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 What is your favorite holiday?
.a) Halloween (1 pt.)
.b) Christmas (3 pts.)
.c) New Year (2 pts.)
.d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
.e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
.a) Paris (4 pts)
.b) Spain (5 pts)
.c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
.d) Hawaii (4 pts)
.e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
.a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
.b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
.c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
.d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
.e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. It is very interesting to see "who" your friends are!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo: You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

i'm snoopy....